The Night

One of the things I do most in a day, is think. I don't think there's ever been a moment where I wasn't thinking about at least something. In school I'd often get in trouble for daydreaming all the time. It's a gift, and a curse I suppose. On one hand, my imagination is always running wild. On the other, I'm always so caught up in my own head, that I don't realize what's going on around me. So make of it what you will. I am the way I am, and to be honest, I love it. Ever since I was little, and I'm talking as young as 5 or 6 years old, I would sit outside at night, stare at the stars, take in the night air and just think. I would do this until my mother ordered me to come in for bed. There was always such comfort in sitting in silence, "thinking" about things, and just enjoying the amazing display God has created for us. Nature. Ironically enough, I'm 25 years old, and sitting outside at night right now. Where I live, it's about 1:30 in the morning. The night air is filled with the smell of burning wood, and there's a cool gentle breeze to give us all a break from the 90 degree weather we had earlier today. No humidity. Just perfection. Some things never change. I still look up at the stars, and take a deep breath of the night air. This is who I've always been. People change in many ways, but to the core, we most definitely are who we are. Like when I was young, I could turn around, look inside my house with its lights on, and the busy activity going on inside. I remember I used to see my mom standing at the sink, washing dishes. Right now, my husband is sitting inside at his computer doing his regular online gaming. Laughing away as he talks to friends on Skype. Some things never change. This next thought, is of course due to me thinking probably too much, and maybe someone else out there feels this way. We've all lost touch. That's it. Confused? Well, the more I go outside, sit out at night, watch the animals, bugs, plants, and humans themselves. The more I feel like we've have completely and utterly lost touch with nature. Everything now is synthetic, will give us cancer, and more "convenient". Oh the price we'll pay for these things some day...and while it's all alluring. I mean who doesn't like to go to a restaurant, order their food, and it's done in say..5 minutes? Who doesn't like going to the movies, shopping, watch TV? Play video games? I do. Every single one of those things. However, I can't help but feel, that the more I sit on my couch, the more I watch commercials, the more I shop, the more I lose touch with what's really important in this life. Oddly enough, I think that's the point to all those things. To distract us. Kind of like...the food chain. Make great TV shows, but the more you watch TV, the more food commercials you see, the more you eat, you become fat, get health problems, need to see the dr. more often, spend way more $$$ than ever though necessary...and the list goes on. When really, we should be focusing on taking care of ourselves, and dang it, I'll say it, living off the land. I'm not saying I'm "Miss Survivalist", or anything, but my husband is, and I think it's important, especially the way our economy is, that we all learn, to hunt our own food, grow our own crops, make our own clothing from natural resources, because let's face it...the way things are going, who knows where some of the lower class will be years from now? As Americans, we're spoiled. Everything is about convenience. I fear the day that a device is made where we can control devices with our minds' or something crazy like that, because we'll never have to move. We'll just get lazier and lazier, and buy more and more meds to keep our bodies in check...and don't get me started on meds, that can be a different discussion on a different day. I understand they can be essential, but I like to let my body do its own work. Our bodies are so complex and amazing, and so many people are so quick to rely on a little pill to "fix" their problems. Ay, like I said, different discussion, different day. I'm wondering does anyone else ever feel this way? Maybe it's a big government conspiracy, to distract us with all this garbage, and I'll admit, fun garbage, to make us mindless zombies? Or to help in the chain of events that I described earlier such as laziness, health problems, then relying on health care/meds.? I can only be suspicious, because obviously, I don't really know. Clearly, I also have some trust issues, because in the end, you really are the one person you can trust most. All anyone else has for you, is words, sometimes action. Either way, I'll just continue living my life. Wondering what the truth really is out there. Trying to be the best I can be, do what I know is right, and not change. After all, I love being the girl sitting alone on her deck looking into the sky at night...just "thinking". Have a good night everyone, write soon.

So here's a little something I did while being on my hiatus from blogging!

I figured I'd post this for you all. I earlier posted about my obsession with the video game "Alice: Madness Returns". Well here's another game that I love, Mortal Kombat! My most favorite character is Jade. Of course, the green eyes, the black hair..yet again! So as an ode to another one of my favorites, I had myself, and my children (yes that's right children) be characters from Mortal Kombat. Some may find this funny...my first born is named "Jade", and my 2nd daughter is named Melena....sound familiar? Well, if you've played the game then you'll get it right away. As a child my brother and I played Mortal Kombat all the time. I of course was always Jade. I liked Mileena too, so once they introduced her to the game, I alternated between the two. At that young age of say...8 or 9, I decided I would name my first daughter Jade. I stuck with it ever since, obviously. I have no regrets either, I love my daughters names! They have the fierce personalities to match too! So Halloween came around, and I was like, "alright...we're all being characters from Mortal Kombat." Jade was up for it immediately...however, she didn't want to "Jade"...she wanted to be "Kitana". Which is fine, but you'd think she would've wanted to be the one with the same name! Melena was Mileena, and since Jade is my favorite character anyways, I decided to be her ;-) I worked tirelessly for weeks making their costumes, and yes, every bit that you see on them aside for the leggings and boots, was made by me. I'm pretty proud of the results though. I made mine last, and was still putting things on myself going out the door, so it doesn't look as good as it should, or as good as the girls, but I still did it! yay for green eyes! Oh and note to all, these are obviously a more covered up version. The kitana costume and Mileena costumes are also their "alternate" costume from the most recent MK game.

What to doooo, oh what to do.

So if many of you do not know. I have a youtube channel, where I go by "Raquelashakti", a long time nick name that just stuck with me ;-) Well I do covers every now and then, and I guess I'm having..."cover" block? haha, instead of writers block. I most recently did "Zombie" by Natalia Kills. Now I just don't know which song to choose from. For me, it can be difficult, only having a basic keyboard to play on...and no other instruments! The songs that I love have a fairly complex sound, and so many unique instruments. To recreate it using a low-quality keyboard, just seems unfair to the song itself! Nonetheless, I will still keep using my keyboard, because it is, in fact, better than nothing. So onto my question..what song should I cover next? Well, the Cure cover done by Bat for Lashes, A Forest (for invisible children) really sticks out to me right now. Natasha Khan did such a great job covering this song, and the instrumental in itself is amazing. If I could be musically responsible for this song...I would love it! So Kudos to Natasha :-) I also think it would be interesting to cover some old Garbage song. I love Shirley Manson, when I was little, she was the woman I idolized. Between her and Gwen Stefani, I find them responsible for the type of nearly feminist, doing things my own way, and on my own type of person that I am! My mother is also responsible though ;-) I feel they have given me that extra "edge" though. Oh decisions, decisions! If anyone is out there and reading this...tell me what you think!

Wanna know an odd obsession of mine?

We all have them right? So like many, I enjoy a good video game or two. However, one out there goes further for me, than any other ever has before. If you haven't heard of, or played it yet...you must. The game I'm referring to is *drum roll please* "Alice: Madness Returns". Now I saw this game at my local Target store, and the cover alone was enough to intrigue me. Admittedly, all other versions of "Alice" never spoke to me before. Even Tim Burton's, and I absolutely love Tim Burton's work. I saw this cover featuring a bloody Alice, in her usual blue proper dress with apron. This Alice however, has striped black and white tights, and combat boots with buckles all the way up to her knees. Instead of blonde, she has black hair, and green eyes. If anyone has ever known me, they know, Black hair and green eyes are a combo that is very much coveted by me. Instead of this proper Alice being so neat, her dress is splattered with blood, she's wielding a bad ass looking Vorpal Blade, and an Omega necklace. In pretty much anything nowadays, any female is sexualized, and if she has a weapon, well then she must swear like a sailor, and basically..be a man in an incredibly hot woman's body. With this Alice..not so. She has that very elegant, prim and proper "air" about her, and very quiet, with a definite inner strength. She's completely covered, and yes, attractive, but not in a desperate way. She's beautiful, and not a slut! Imagine that! Well this whole thing appealed to me, but I held off, because, yes, I'm insanely cheap. I did end up giving in. Once I started playing, I was hooked. Every element of the game, it was dark, it was twisted, at times pretty damn scary. Then there were the elements that were so peaceful, beautiful..Zen-like! The more I got sucked in, the more I felt that American McGee (maker of the game) must have gotten in my head..and made this game entirely for me. He incorporated every single element, the light, the dark, the whimsical, the downright gritty. He incorporated it all. I played the game through twice, then sent it down to my sister-in-law in Georgia so she could play it too. While I tell myself to give it up, I've played it two times through already! (on Difficult, then on nightmare mode) I just can't. I've downloaded songs from the soundtrack, which are downright gorgeous, and have all the elements that the game has as well. I listen to them in my car, at home, everywhere, and I can feel myself back in the game...in Alice's world. I even have the songs set as my ringtones! Even the "phases" and the ways I've decorated my room growing up...are in that game. All the different worlds in that game, the themes, have been in my room or my wardrobe at some point. I feel as though this game was created specifically for me. Last year when I got the game, I was going through a very difficult time in my life. I was trying to wrap my head around something that had happened to me, a betrayal that ripped me from the inside out, and as a result, there were some people who thought I had "lost it". I was crazy, a "bitch" you name it! All along though...I knew, with each question I had in relation to what happened, I knew it had happened, and I was told to "drop it"..and in not so many words to just "act like it never happened". I couldn't handle it. For awhile I wasn't myself, but I "knew" things, and I had to pry, I just had to. Well in this game, Alice experiences a traumatizing event as well. To all her therapists, etc, she pries, she questions, she tries to fight for the truth, and in return, she gets thrown in an asylum, because she "knows" there's more to the story. It's odd, because when you know the truth, the further you get from the event, the more people around you want you to give it up, the more their doubts, lies, and judgements cloud what you really saw, and know what happened. This is what happened to Alice, and what I was going through as well. Suddenly what you saw clear as day, turns into a black wall in your mind, and you can't find your way through that darkness. You just linger there maybe accepting that you're crazy, or end up in denial. The entire game is based on finding out what really happened, and who is the culprit in Alice's traumatizing event. Dear Alice, if you were real, I'd love to meet you. We would get along grand. There are so many things from my past that have been blacked out and tampered with too. We're just trying to find the truth, but they won't let us.

So the pics above, well the first one is obviously Alice herself, the 2nd one is me with green contacts! (love) Naturally my eyes are nearly black in color, so you can never see my pupil. Aaaand for your viewing pleasure, the trailer for Alice...now go play!

Are you sick of it?

Hello Fellow Beings, I'm back once again, as promised (to myself and anyone who bothers reading this, hehe). So life. Let's talk about it. As an introvert, I sit, and I watch people. No, not in a creepy way, in the way that I analyze, because I'm curious, and because oddly enough, while I don't feel comfortable talking to most people, I like to be in their presence. Growing up, what people thought of me, was a big deal. As I've gotten older though, it's become more and more clear, that it just doesn't matter. That person, the one insulting me, is just a human like me. They have NO power over me. Only the power I give them. So when someone insults you, look them in the eye, never cower. They are no better than you. In fact, if they're wasting their time and energy trying to find things about you to hurt you, they suck. They are a complete waste of space who has no life...if all they have to do, is try and bring you down. You're better than them, so that should give you reason to smile. I can sit here all day and try to pretend that words don't hurt, but they do. Just promise me, whoever reads this, that even though it does hurt, try to look at it as flattery. Someone just "can't" stop thinking about you ;-) My sister comes over last night. She makes the comment that she should just be like me. Just be mean, and not have many friends. Now while I get that I may come off this way, it's often times that introverts are sorely misunderstood. All my life, I've been seen as "mean", a "bitch", "snotty", etc, etc. When all it ever was, was that I was just shy, and honestly scared to talk to people that I didn't know. This is forever the introverts curse in a world of extroverts. A friend of mine (also a fellow introvert) shared this with me a few months back, and it was so spot on, I shared it on my facebook with a side note of "READ AND UNDERSTAND" (can you tell I'm surrounded by a boat load of people that don't understand me????):

Do you know someone who needs hours alone every day? Who loves quiet conversations about feelings or ideas but seems awkward in groups and isn’t good at small talk? Who has to be dragged to parties and then needs the rest of the day to recuperate? Who growls or scowls or grunts when accosted with pleasantries by people who are just trying to be nice? If so, do you tell this person he is "too serious," or ask if he is okay? Do you regard him as aloof, arrogant, rude? Do you redouble your efforts to draw him out? If you answered yes to these questions, chances are that you have an introvert on your hands—and that you aren't caring for him properly. Science has learned a good deal in recent years about the habits and requirements of introverts. It has even learned, by means of brain scans, that introverts process information differently from other people (I am not making this up). Introverts may be common, but they are also among the most misunderstood groups in America, possibly the world. I know. My name is Jonathan, and I am an introvert. Oh, for years I denied it. After all, I have good social skills. I am not morose or misanthropic. Usually. I am far from shy. I love long conversations that explore intimate thoughts or passionate interests. But at last I have self-identified and come out to my friends and colleagues. In doing so, I have found myself liberated from any number of damaging misconceptions and stereotypes. Now I am here to tell you what you need to know in order to respond sensitively and supportively to your own introverted family members, friends, and colleagues. Remember, someone you know, respect, and interact with every day is an introvert, and you are probably driving this person nuts. It pays to learn the warning signs. What is introversion? In its modern sense, the concept goes back to the 1920s and the psychologist Carl Jung. Introverts are not necessarily shy. Rather, introverts are people who find other people tiring. Extroverts are energized by people, and wilt or fade when alone. They often seem bored by themselves, in both senses of the expression. Leave an extrovert alone for two minutes and he will reach for his cell phone. In contrast, after an hour or two of being socially "on," we introverts need to turn off and recharge. My own formula is roughly two hours alone for every hour of socializing. This isn't antisocial. It is not a sign of depression. It does not call for medication. For introverts, to be alone with our thoughts is as restorative as sleeping, as nourishing as eating. Our motto is "I'm okay, you're okay—in small doses." How many people are introverts? I performed exhaustive research on this question, in the form of a quick Google search. The answer: About 25 percent. Or, my favorite answer, "a minority in the regular population but a majority in the gifted population." Are introverts misunderstood? Yes, wildly. That, it appears, is our lot in life. "It is very difficult for an extrovert to understand an introvert," write the education experts Jill D. Burruss and Lisa Kaenzig. (They are also the source of the quotation in the previous paragraph.) Extroverts are easy for introverts to understand, because extroverts spend so much of their time working out who they are in inescapable interactions with other people. But the street does not run both ways. Extroverts have little or no grasp of introversion. They assume that company, especially their own, is always welcome. They cannot imagine why someone would need to be alone; indeed, they often take offense at the suggestion. As often as I have tried to explain the matter to extroverts, I have never sensed that any of them really understood. They listen for a moment and then go back to barking and yipping. Are introverts oppressed? I would have to say so. For one thing, extroverts are over-represented in politics. Look at George W. Bush. Look at Bill Clinton. They seem to come fully to life only around other people. Extroverts therefore dominate public life. This is a pity. If we introverts ran the world it would no doubt be a calmer, saner, more peaceful sort of place. As Calvin Coolidge is supposed to have said, "Don't you know that four fifths of all our troubles in this life would disappear if we would just sit down and keep still?" With their endless appetite for talk and attention, extroverts also dominate social life, so they tend to set expectations. In our extrovertist society, being outgoing is considered normal and therefore desirable, a mark of happiness, confidence, leadership. Extroverts are seen as bighearted, vibrant and warm. To be called a "people person" is a compliment. Introverts are described with words like guarded, loner, reserved, taciturn, self-contained, private—narrow, ungenerous words, words that suggest smallness of personality. Are introverts arrogant? Hardly. I suppose this common misconception has to do with our being more intelligent, more reflective, more independent, more refined, and more sensitive than extroverts. Also, it is probably due to our lack of small talk, a lack that extroverts often mistake for disdain. We tend to think before talking, whereas extroverts tend to think by talking, which is why their meetings never last less than six hours. The worst of it is that extroverts have no idea of the torment they put us through. Sometimes, as we gasp for air amid the fog of their 98-percent content-free talk, we wonder if extroverts even bother to listen to themselves. Still, we endure stoically, because the etiquette books—written, no doubt, by extroverts—regard declining to banter as rude and gaps in conversation as awkward. We can only dream that someday, when our condition is more widely understood, when perhaps an Introverts' Rights movement has blossomed and borne fruit, it will not be impolite to say "I'm an introvert. You are a wonderful person and I like you. But now please shut the hell up." How can I let the introvert in my life know that I support him and respect his choice? First recognize that it's not a choice. It's not a lifestyle. It's an orientation. Second when you see an introvert lost in thought, don't say "What's the matter?" or "Are you all right?" Third don't say anything else, either.

So there you have it. That's nothing that couldn't have been said better myself, and a message that needs to get out. For all of you who feel the same who are sick of being treated this way, and sick of being misunderstood. Feel free to share!

I'm baaaaack!

Well, this is a bit pathetic. Here nearly 2 years have gone by...and I haven't written a blog since. How terrible is that? Anyways, I'm making myself busy again. Focusing on my music, and making projects for myself! So what's new, you ask? Well, not a whole lot! I did however, go back to school, and I'm studying music theory. I love it. Unfortunately next semester the music theory class and the co-requisite that I need won't work for my schedule. So, I'm taking an acting class, and an intro to film class! How fun is that?? Still bummed about not being able to take my Music theory class though. It's weird, I've never been formally trained in music, I've only ever operated by ear, and I do still find it difficult to notate, and really.."write out" my music onto paper. It's always been in my head! For some reason though, music seems to be the only language that I'm fluent in. It's amazing. All my life, I've been an outcast, I'm socially awkward, and I do try (incredibly hard) to not be so awkward. It works at times, I can stay in character...but the real me prefers being alone in my house, in my own little world. That's just who I am. So anyways, I have a brother. He's incredibly talented, and if you ask me at what, I'll say..anything he tries. The boy excels at nearly everything. When he was in highschool, he picked up a bass (he also has no formal training)and blew everyone out of the water. I still remember the fanboys who bought bass' because of him, and went on and on about he was the best bassist in the world. They strived to be like him. He can sell water to a fish. He now, and for some years now, does cage fighting/MMA. He's also been wrestling since the age of 2 or 3, and wrestled with the highschool boys that my grandpa was teaching at the time. When my brother got to highschool, he tried football. Just so you can get the picture here, my brother was a whopping 5'4..and thin, but stalky, very broad shoulders. They're in football practice, and the coach gets mad, and yells,"WHY IS THE SMALLEST GUY THE ONE WHO CAN HIT THE HARDEST?!" That's my brother ;-) I love him. He may be small, heck I'm small too! but nothing gets in his way...except himself. He realized this, he has demons, and baggage as a result of the abusive childhood we had. He can practice, he can be unbeatable, but when it would come time to perform..he would freeze. The demons would whisper their nasty lies in his ears, and plant their seeds of doubt in his head. This left him stunted. Frozen. It was a shame. He recently decided to get help, so he did some research, and found a life coach. This takes a series of steps, prayer, writing down goals, cutting out the bad from your life (i.e. if you abuse alcohol..you cut out alcohol.) Then teaching yourself to shut out the demons, the doubt, the darkness. My brother calls me, because he knows, that not only he has these issues, but I do as well. I'm the girl who started singing special music solo in church at the age of 3. I began singing for weddings at the age of 10, and other special events. I was later asked to sing for all sorts of events in the town that I resided..which caused controversy from jealous individuals. I was a prodigy, but now what? I'm not a kid anymore, I'm an adult, and maybe I was advanced then..but now any talent I have most people have developed by now. My fear? Being a has-been that never went anywhere with her life. The girl that wasted her potential. Those demons whisper in my ear, "You're not special...No one has ever liked you..why would they like the music you create?..Sure, you can create a CD, but then what? You'll run out of ideas, and you'll be a 1 hit wonder." Stupid, right? Well in an attempt at beating our demons, my brother and I do this. He keeps checking up on me, haha, he keeps asking if I'm staying on task. Unfortunately I'm not as much as him, but we'll do this together. We need to beat our demons. I need to make my music, and not worry if people will hate it. Who am I to waste the gift God told me to use? The one he gave me and said, "go make music, show the world". Who am I to say "no"? So I'm back. This time, I will stick with it, and if you're reading this, and you have the same problem. I urge you, don't let you destroy and/or waste yourself. The only thing stopping you is "you". Good luck.

Alright

It's been so long since I've blogged. Terrible. So most of my vids that I had up on youtube, I deleted. They felt forced to me. Also, not at all up to my expectations of how I want a finished product to be. So my next project? Well, I think I'll do a cover of Lady Gaga's "Telephone". On the piano though :-) which means I'll be making up the music to it. So this will take some time. Here's hoping it turns out the way I want it to though :-)

Oh! Also! I went to the Gaga concert last night, and I made my outfit for it. I'm pretty proud of it :-) I must say that concert was AMAZING! I'm still in a bliss from it, and I want to go again!!! Wanting to be a performer myself, it made me realize how much I can interact with the crowd, and how much influence an artist has! One of the better nights of my life :-)