Blah blah, it's a monologue.

Hasta Luego!

Gone Away

This weeks video is "Gone Away" by My Brightest Diamond...again.  When you watch the video, you'll see...I just like that word.  

For anyone who is too lazy to look up the original, here's the original version.  Watch it!  Love it!  

On another note.  Things are looking up in a way.  I got a few extra bucks for school, so I said to myself, "God Dang it.  I'm getting myself a pair of shoes.  I bleeping deserve it."  

Oh...and not just any pair of shoes, some new heels!  (of course)

So that has me satisfied for now.  After months of barely being able to buy food, it was just nice to take myself and my girls out and get us some new items of clothing.  

I have a feeling that this year will start looking up.  Can't tell you why, I just have this feeling in my gut. I tell you one thing.  Until you've been there, never judge that person you see in front of you that has food stamps, or WIC or whatever other assistance program.  Unless of course they're buying cigarettes, candy, etc, and no real food.  Then by all means, go ahead and think to yourself that their priorities are jacked up.  Especially if they have children.  

So many people just think, "Oh that person needs to get a job, what a leech".  etc, etc.  Believe me, "getting a job", or a better paying one for that matter, is just not as easy as one would think.  I was a Receptionist at a highly recognized Corporation, and known for being a good worker, and was promoted multiple times.  Well my husband had to go away for a year because he joined the Air Force, and needed to do Basic Training and Tech School.  Which gave him the idea that I should be a stay-at-home mom.  It was great, and it worked out very well.  The military paid a pretty good amount.  At least enough for us to live on while I stayed home.  Then that ends, and my husband comes back to his job managing at a grocery store.  Things are still OK at that point...but then he loses his job.  We fortunately had some cushion to get by while he was unemployed for a month, and no, he did not collect unemployment.  Well he finally found a job in a factory..that pays pretty terribly.  The reason is because he's a temp.  This is where things get rough.  Pretty soon I'm searching for at least a part-time job (on top of everything else going on!)  I applied for the type of job which is exactly what I was doing before I left to stay home with my kids.  No call.  So I lowered my bar of expectations.  A clothing store at the mall.  No call.  Bar lowers.  The type of job that pays the bare minimum that you can pay someone in the state of Wisconsin.  No call.  Fortunately something opened up at a Library nearby, that makes me not even care that the money isn't much.  It's genuinely nice to work there.  At least the bit that I do make, can take care of some bills.  So that's something.  The ol' husband, is still a temp, and is still hoping to get hired on, or hoping to find something better.  Unfortunately that's just more no calls, and calls of rejection.  

So next time you think that there must be something wrong with someone who relies on the government programs made available to them.  Think again.  I understand there are people who abuse privileges, but not everyone does.  How does one solve this problem?  Honestly, I think programs that are here to help people, should make sure that they are actually "helping" people.  Instead of people abusing it, and buying things that are, if anything, putting them in even worse health!  Which I suppose means, stricter standards.  Sure it'd be inconvenient, but if it's made free to you, there's really no room for complaint.  

I could go into a whole other point on kids, but I'll just sum it up this way:  No child should ever have to suffer because of their parents struggling to make ends meet, or because their parent is stupid with no priorities.  

This year of struggle has taught me one thing if anything.  When you get so much money, that you don't know what to do with it all, don't go buy more bags and shoes that you'll only wear once.  Use it to help people.  

Originally, my idea for when I reached my goals, was to set up shelters for abuse victims and counseling to help them.  Which I would still like to do.  This years lesson has taught me though, that with all the starving people in the world.  They just need a meal!  I would love to set up more food shelters, and homeless shelters.  It has become abundantly clear that so many people need help, and they aren't getting it, or don't have access to it.  

So if I reach fame, I don't need a however many millions of dollars home.  Just give me a shack on the beach, my husband and girls, and a hand to help others with.  

Guten Nacht.

I can't seem to get it through your head, that I'll always love you.

I'm baaaaaack!  

Sorry for not posting last week, I just started going back to school, so things are CRAZY!  I'm literally running and am busy from sun up to sun down now, so I really have to work to find some extra time to keep up my project here!

Anyways, the song I decided to sing this week is called "Something of an End" by My Brightest Diamond.  I first heard this song via my google tv on a special app that we have called Lastfm.com (very similar to pandora).  As soon as this song came on, I was entranced.  The instrumentals were beautiful, and the variation and melody changes through out made me fall in love.  Shara (singer) has amazing vocals that are filled with so much passion.  She is truly talented, and most definitely deserves more recognition.  

So that video up there = my attempt.  

On another note, I said above how I've been so busy.  I've also gotten a job fairly recently.  I think I said this before.  I work at a library.  I love it.  I make no money, but being able to walk around for hours in silence is pure bliss.  Believe it or not, but I love to sit and think.  That's it, just to think.  Well obviously, when you work in a library, you come across many interesting books.  My favorite section would have to be up in the non-fiction section, but mostly the area where there are books of people who have worked towards fame.  Classic movie stars like Audrey Hepburn and Bette Davis.  Writing about their life, fame, etc.  Every time I stock books for that section, I sneak and take a little time to peek through the books.  Letting my daydreams flood my mind, and getting completely lost.  With every single book I stock, I look at every Author's name, and if they have a picture of themselves on the book.  I feel like this helps me get to know them on a more personal level, and I fantasize about who they were before becoming recognized.  I wonder if they were just like me, in a small library, stocking books, with little money, and big dreams.  I wonder what their doubts and fears were.  I know they're only human, not some super being, but we all get the idea that once someone is a "celebrity" they're no longer like us.  Then I wonder, when I accomplish my dreams, will someone look at me and think the same thing?  Could I become an inspiration to someone??  I certainly hope so.  I really do.  Right now what I see for my future is one big brick wall.  For a little over a  year now, my brain has been thrown for a loop.  I used to be so sure of everything!  Not anymore.  That luxury is far from gone.  When I try to consider career options, the ONLY thing that comes to mind is my artistic abilities.  I need to use them.  When and how that will happen, that is my brick wall.

...

On another note, as part of one of my speech credits for school, I am taking an Acting class.  I love it.  It's actually incredibly hard in the sense that it pushes you out of your comfort zone.  I, for example, do not like making eye contact with people.  Can I tell you how many times I have had to stare into some strangers eyes and make note of all their facial features while being anywhere from 1 to 3 feet away from them??  IT'S AWKWARD!  It's also good for me.  I enjoy being pushed and challenged.  I think it's important to keep evolving yourself, rather than sit in a rut.  We also got to choose monologues.  I of course chose the "rough around the edges" taxi drivin' woman from the Brooklyn, who is 30.  Yay for getting to use a Brooklyn accent!  My mama would be so proud ;-)

~Au Revoir~

Finally...an original

Well folks, this week I decided NOT to sing!  

That's right.  This week, I posted a video of myself on youtube, however, I'm only playing piano this time.  I decided to share a bit of myself more personally.  Let people in on a bit of the music that I'd like to create.  Mind you, what I show in the video is only the tip of the ice berg, but it's a start.  

The piece I'm playing was made up by myself, years ago actually.  Odd thing is, is that I can't make music on the keyboard in the video.  What works best for me is going to my mom's house and using her upright piano.  For some reason that piano and I have chemistry.  I sit at it, and new music comes up, suddenly I get the inspiration that I only try to get while sitting at the keyboard you see in this video.  I'm at least able to mimic the music while playing it though.

Anyways, here's the video, please watch and subscribe to my channel!  Your support means the world to me!

Also, thought I'd let you in on some great music.  I discovered this band recently, and fell in love immediately.  I turned their page on, on Spotify (an online radio..thing) and let it play.  Even when I went to sleep, I left it on, and fell asleep to this beautiful Euphoric music.

Enjoy.

Fear and Loathing

I promise.  I'll keep tonight's post short!

I rambled a bit yesterday about random things.  I did mention in my last post, however, about how I was "due" for putting a video up this week on youtube.  So I did.  Or more accurately, I am.  In the meantime I'm sitting here stuffing my face with stale marshmallows (the best!) until my video finishes uploading.  

This weeks video is called "Fear and Loathing" by Marina and the Diamonds.  I bet at least someone out there is wondering if I'm just going to do her whole album.  I guess the more I read Marina's lyrics, the more I feel like we're the same person inside.  In this song, she says the things that have always been on my mind, but wasn't quite sure how to say.  

I mean, down to the very detail of feeling like I have multiple people in my head (I swear...I'm not schizo), the different facades that I put on for different people, and wondering which person in me is most "like-able".    Also interestingly enough she talks about wanting to feel like she's "floating".  I've said this so much over the years, mostly floating in water though.  That feeling that you get when you're doing so, is what is really being referenced here.  So a part of me wonders if Marina is my...mental soulmate???  Or...mental twin?  I have no idea what you would call it.  Either way, she's great, and I love how she really wants people to understand her.  There's frustration in trying to make people see you for what you really are, and to have them fully understand.  It normally never happens.  I'm glad she's putting her feelings out there though.  

Ugh, I need to stop eating my marshmallows now...I'm beginning to feel sick.  

Anyways, here's that video.  Check it out, and please subscribe to my channel.  Trust me when I say, it'd mean the world to me!  

Guten Nacht.

Been on a break, and made some changes!

Hellooooooooooo out there!

So I haven't put up a video in a few weeks.  This week looks like I'll be due.  I decided to take some time off and focus on other things instead.  While I will admit...some of that relied on heavy doses of the show "Breaking Bad", I also decided to work on my other aspirations.  If you've read some of my past blogs, I also sew/make clothing.  Which I will post about with pics in a different blog entry coming soon!  

Last night I spent time with one of my long time friends, who is also an artist, and more importantly.  An Introvert.  We discussed our need for an honest job (meaning, a job where we can be ourselves and utilize our abilities).  A potential road trip in the future, and expressing ourselves through painting.  Well in these past few weeks, I've had this horrible urge to paint, to express myself in ways that I couldn't with words...or even with my music, if you can imagine that!  So I go on about how "I'm going to post a status on facebook, saying if anyone asks what I want for Christmas.  I want Canvas.  I don't care if it's been hanging on your wall for 10 years, or you found it at a garage sale."  That's what I would like.  Regardless of shape and size.  Mind you, this is last night that I say this.  Today I walk into my apartment lobby, and just like a ray of sunshine blasted down from God himself, these present themselves to me:

I nearly cried with joy.  

In this small moment, I take a second to try to decide if this is for real.  Am I really seeing two wonderfully sized canvas'.....for free?!  Within' hours of me stating that I need them so badly??  Either one of my neighbors heard me say this while I was on my deck about midnight last night, or God has decided that I really need to paint.  I'm so happy, I'm even considering leaving a note in the lobby thanking the "giver of the canvas".  

Let the outlet for my creativity begin!

Some other changes as well, my hair.  Anyone who knows me, knows that I opt for black.  Every time.  I know, and guarantee that I still will go back fairly soon.  I, however, needed a change.  Since I'm broke, I had to do this myself, and oddly enough, am quite pleased with the results!

I think a part of me longs for that person I was in high school.  Maturity wise..probably not.  Freedom I felt...yes.  I used to do whatever I wanted to my hair.  I used to wear whatever I wanted regardless of what people thought.  Then over the years of being a mother, and working in a corporation, I've become bland.  This consists of me wearing plain jeans...and plain shirts.  I want to get a way from that.  I want to be me.

So that's what I'm going to do.

Here's the funny thing.  I now consider myself to have an honest job.  I work at a local library, and I put books away.  I make half of what I used to make sitting at a desk, living a cushy lifestyle.  At that time however, I wasn't happy.  Every day I went to work, that voice went off in my head saying, "you don't belong here, everyone is so miserable, and you'll become a robot".  How did I not see that that is what was happening?  At my new job, people are happy, and the ones who have been there for quite some time, love their job.  Which in turn, makes it an enjoyable place to work.  I get no benefits, no bonuses, and the pay is low.  The difference, is that I'm happy.  I'm content, and I can be me.  I can wear what I want, think my own thoughts, and legitimately get along with people.  I'm happy.  Poor, but happy haha.  Which I guess is what really matters, isn't it?  

Listen to this song, it's good.

Buenos Dias!

In the darkest of times...Inspiration can be found.

Dare I say it? 

I guess I just did.

Why is it, that when I feel my lowest, or when I feel the most unsure about life, that I get the most inspiration?  Do I feed off depression?  Do I like being depressed?  As much of an oxymoron as that is.  

Or is that just who I am?  A quiet, low-rev, melancholy being?  While the rest of the world is in a panic, and getting on Prozac to keep from feeling this way.  I revel in it.  I think it's OK to allow yourself to feel, and yes, even in darkest times.  Instead of making the worst of it...gain inspiration from it.  Write down on a piece of paper how you feel.  It's OK, really, I promise you.  Even if what you write it horrible, embarrassing, or childish.  Do it.  I dare you. 

Thing is, it is what you do with it.  You can, like me, choose to share with the world.  Or you can rip that paper up, throw it away, or burn it if you'd like.  Either way, writing it down feels great.  Even as introverts, we need a way to get what we feel out.  Instead of telling a person/people who will tell you a plethora of things you already know, or just don't bleeping listen.  Write it down.  Or make a song!  We need an outlet too.  It's just harder to call someone up, and voice what is wrong.  It's always much easier to write.  In my personal opinion.  

What has me in this slump?  I can't even tell you.  I wake up, and today my brain just says, "Alright Rachel, today, you're going to "hate life", and question everything in it.  You're going to remember everything that has ever haunted you, and yes, there will be tears....HAVE A GREAT DAY!!!!!"

*Bleep* you brain...*bleep* you...

So all today, while I'm thinking, I decide, OK, you know what, let's shop.  Since I can't buy anything, I just "window shop"...*insert sarcastic "yay" here*....

While I'm out, I realize even more what is wrong with the world.  How, terrible a pair of jeans that are too tight look much worse that a pair of well-fitted jeans on even the greatest of bodies, and even more disturbing, how sexualized they make children's clothes nowadays.  

No.  I am not going to send my child to school with the phrase "Hot" on her ass.  Nor would I send my teenager to school with that.  In fact, that's freakin' forbidden, and if she doesn't like it.  Her option from there on out is the good ol' burlap sack.  I kid you not. 

So back to my point...what is wrong with this world!!!!  Maybe us "melancholy folk" aren't what's wrong here.  Maybe it's the in your face, pushed up boobs, overly friendly, fake, too body conscious, individuals who have been setting the standards for way too long.  I fear for my children.  I really do.

*rant rant rant*

On to another thing that I've been seriously re-thinking.  It's my youtube videos.  Not so much the videos, but the schedule itself.  While the songs I've been singing, I do love.  I'm just not sure singing them makes me honest. While quite literally every song I have sang I can relate to, or would have written myself.  They are someone else's words.  Making sure I get one up each week, has made the whole process seem "cheapened" to me.  The thing I'm unsure of, is my vow to put one up each week.  I made that vow, so to go back on it, hurts internally.  I also think I need to put up my own music.  I know right?  Scary.  I just feel that in the long run, that'll be the right thing to do.  What will actually gain me some recognition.  Being honest with the audience about what I would actually want to do.  Make the music I actually would want to make.  

*thoughts thoughts thoughts*

I guess we'll have to see.

In the mean time.  Here are some songs that I'm loving currently while in this mood of mine:

Enjoy.  Au Revoir.