Well I'm back folks. I feel that in the past I have bragged too much about never getting sick, and now since December, I've been sick about every few weeks. I finally feel fully back to health, and I hope it stays that way!
This week the song I have chosen to sing, is "Body Electric", by Lana Del Rey.
If you couldn't already tell, I've been listening to Lana and Marina pretty much non-stop. Which leads me to realize I need to find other artists to cover. I think the reason I go back and forth so much with the two of them, is because Marina is everything I feel I can relate to. Lana is everything I never had the courage to do, and was always curious about.
My parents should be proud. I was such a good girl, and the epitome of the "D.A.R.E." student. With the exception of going places that I shouldn't have been going when I said I would be at my friends' house. At least my morals still remained intact. Deep inside every good girl, however, lurks a curiosity that longs to see how the other half lives. Even if the "good girl" makes snide remarks about that other half. She'll always wonder. I think that's why Lana appeals to me.
I can sing like I know exactly what she's talking about, but I have no idea. I heard that she was an alcoholic and shipped off to a boarding school by the age of 14. Can you imagine??? Not this girl. I didn't even know about most foreplay, or the details of it at that point. Especially at the age I'm at now, 14 seems like such a little baby! I'm 25 by the way...and pretty soon here will be 26. I am not excited. For various reasons.
To clarify, I have no regrets. I like who I was, and who I am. I could never be a "Lana". In fact the very idea of it actually makes me get that feeling you get when you feel like you've been kicked in the stomach. It's just nice to wonder.
"People do not die for us immediately, but remain bathed in a sort of aura of life which bears no relation to true immortality but through which they continue to occupy our thoughts in the same way as when they were alive. It is as though they were traveling abroad."
We all seem to think that we're somehow in control of what happens around us. That no tragic events could happen so close to home. So often in life, we're proven so wrong.
This morning my dad called me. The man knows I sleep in any chance I can get, but that doesn't stop him from calling early. On a day like today, I was grateful that he did. Instead of me dozing back off into dreamland, he continued to send me text messages, and for some reason I decided to remain conscious enough to keep responding. Then in that mix somewhere, I start getting other texts. I look over at my husband, and remark, "Gah, I'm getting so many texts...just kill me.". Yes, I know, I'm a delightful human being.
Well, it was no longer my dad, but a friend of mine, letting me know that a friend of mine from high school has passed away.
When someone delivers news like that, it makes no sense to me. I try to comprehend the situation, but I can't.
She then calls, and reads the article she found online. He was of course biking around down south, and was hit, and pronounced dead at the scene.
He loved bikes. It feels like just yesterday that he took me to a bike shop, so that he could scope out different models, and explain the different features to me. Everything that we did together all feels like it happened such a short time ago. The unfortunate reality, is that it has been years since I've seen him, or even spoken to him.
It's not until someone passes that you realize the mistakes you've made, and the wrongs you've committed towards them.
We went everywhere together. What I loved though, is that it was never anything extravagant. He was the one who introduced me to Strawberry pie ala mode, and of course with a cup of coffee at a little truck stop diner near our town. I kid you not, when I say that is the best pie I've ever had. After we'd eat there, he'd take me to the park next door, and we'd lay out and look at the sky, discussing life. He took me to local music shows in the basements of college students in Madison. He introduced me to a whole new realm of music. He's the one who crashed prom, and rescued me from it's overly-hyped, mundane world, and said, "Let's go to the Orpheum! They're playing "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" there tonight, and there will be people acting it out!". Well I, as well as another friend of mine went, and it was so much better than prom, I assure you. He also introduced me and a friend of mine to dumpster diving.
In other words, he was key in introducing me to a whole new world of experiences. He took the shy, reserved, and very routine girl that I was, and he introduced "spontaneity" into my world. I probably had the most crazy fun I've ever had in my life doing priceless things.
The only way I can describe the moments I shared with him, was like running free through a windy meadow with no one else around. Free to just breathe, and think.
Well I destroyed that. As swift as a slap in the face, I shut him out.
You see, there are girls like me. The bitter ones who trust no one. I'm one of those girls that sees an ending to any good relationship, and will just end up alone anyways. So why try? Just push them away before things get too serious, make them think you're a bitch, and then they'll leave you alone.
I don't think there is any way that I can express how horrible I feel now about that.
I will never forget the day, that he came in to my work and asked me to the "Homecoming dance", (which was something very....not us.) in front of his friends, and I very unapologetically turned him down, saying I was going with someone else. I saw his face sink, and he asked, "....Who asked you?". I pointed to the boy bagging the groceries at the end of the check-out lane next to us. That boy who was bagging, is now my husband. I of course tried hard to push him away too, but that's a different story for a different day.
I sabotaged that relationship, by completely coming out of nowhere as a bitch. He later ended up in the same class as my now-husband. I guess he confided that he didn't understand what happened. That he really thought we would end up together.
Well ever since that day, we haven't spoken a word to each other, because I'm a cold, heartless bitch.
I truly regret doing that to him. My only hope, is that he lived a happy and free life. I heard he lived in various part of the US, and just biked everywhere. I truly hope he was happy. I hope he found love, and that they were both good to each other.
He was so young, too young to pass on, but from the type of person he was, I'm sure he lived more than anyone else.
Gee, am I doing the Chicken Dance? A Frankenstein trying to scare off intruders? Just another lovely still chosen as the thumbnail for my latest video. Trust me...this was the lesser of evils.
So this week has been interesting. Work, school, homework, kids, husband. All categories are high in demand. I will say though, a major achievement on my part was finding the trick to getting my kids to not only clean their room as I had directed, but they went above and beyond what I expected! Both my girls decided to organize all the shelving units within' their room, including their shoe rack. To some, this may not be a big thing, but for me, I was over the moon! Basically my one rule, is if you don't have your room clean, you sleep with the door shut. Now some kids always sleep like this, but my kids absolutely hate it. So they've been doing a great job at picking their toys up before bed. Well the other night, and without my asking, they went further and organized. Which led to the reward of getting to have the hallway light on as well. Again, to some, this may be nothing at all. For my kids though, this was a great achievement, and I was so proud that they did more than expected. Now if only I could get the husband to do the same...kidding...well kind of.
I've learned, that in my new Music theory class, that I am possibly the dumbest student in there. There are kids in there that will just blurt out definitions to words like....I forget exactly, but "Allegrato giocoso"??? At least I think that's the term. Then the students who can pinpoint the foundation of the style of music being in the "baroque" era. Yeah, these questions get asked, and this is me:
Not cool. Made the Dean's List last semester, and I'm just going to take a shot and say that probably won't happen this semester.
By the way, has anyone seen Trailer Park Boys? If not, you should, it's hilarious.
Well, there is more homework that needs attention, so I must be getting that done. Haven't had much time to practice the piano portion of the song I want to cover by Lana Del Rey, but soon enough! I also am planning on a monologue that will require the assistance from the only man I'm ever around really....my husband! Ha! This should go well...
Aaaaaand here is this weeks newest video. I decided to sing, "This is what makes us girls" by Lana Del Rey.
This is just another fun and catchy song. I never really had a group of "girl friends" growing up. With the exception of very few (who are also very similar to myself in our ways of thinking on this topic) females, I have never been able to really relate to girls my age. It may just be the way I grew up, with my only friend being my brother, who is only a year and a half older than me. We moved most every year when I was younger, so I didn't attach to people the way most do. When it was time to move I never shed any tears. It was just routine, and I remember every last goodbye was just a, "well..bye." and I walked away and never game them a second thought.
The time came when my family decided to leave Illinois (yes that's where I'm from) and migrate up to Wisconsin. We moved to a little suburb, and we've been here ever since. Since this wasn't part of routine, I think it really threw me off. Everyone knows everyone here. I hate it. It's also very embarrassing when you see someone who knows you, and you have absolutely no clue who they are! I guess my mind just regurgitates that sort of information, since that wasn't something I had to remember during the entire foundation of my existence. One funny example. My teacher in my new Music Theory class likes to put people in groups (eek!). Now I had a good thing going. There was one kid who also sits by himself, near me, and we just kinda look at each other, and that's word enough for us to know, "sure, I'll work with you". We stick strictly to the assignment, and when we're done we both go back to our own heads sitting in silence staring forward, and that's OK! Well...my teacher threw a curve at me. He had us mix it up, so we had to get to know "new people". Well I had to work with 2 new guys! One very very very talkative.....I mean very talkative. Not only do the words just consistently flow out of his mouth, they LOUDLY and consistently flow out of his mouth! Fortunately the other kid in my group was quiet like me. He also seemed a bit alienated by the other person...so that was comforting to me. Well after class the quiet new kid sees me in the hall and yells out, "Nice to meet you Rachel!". To which I reply, "Oh, nice to meet you too!". I swear to you, the next 10 minutes I spent scrambling whatever was left of my memories from that class period searching for that kids name. It's days later now, and I still have no clue what that kids name was, and we all introduced ourselves. I mean, how weird does that look? This kid literally tells me his name 20 minutes prior to this encounter, and I'm thinking I should ask what his name is again??? Poor kid. I always hope people don't get offended by the fact that I never remember them. I honestly try.
Well anyways, when I'm listening to this song, "This is what makes us girls", I can always see the scenarios she's describing so vividly, and I think to myself, "I wonder what it would have been like to be that way when I was young?". I was just a quiet teen whose only crime was not always being where I said I was. Wherever I was though, I was always the "moral backbone" of my friends. I never drank a sip of alcohol, never took a drag of a cigarette, nothing. No drugs, nada. I was about as clean as they came. I only "looked" like a bad teen according to many. Just goes to show you can't judge a book by its cover. When I listen to Lana's song though, I can't help but wonder. "Man, I wonder what it would've felt like to steal police cars...and run off with senior guys...and do all those stereotypical things that rebellious teenagers do!?". Something I had not experienced, and no, I have no regrets. I just tend to analyze every detail of life ;-)
This week I'm going to put 2 videos in this post. Last week I felt like death, due to strep throat AND whatever it is that everyone in Wisconsin has. Some sort of cough, headache, aching...thing. I still decided to make a video. It was painful.
This week, still not great, but light years from where I was at.
Here is THIS weeks vid:
What the Water Gave Me - Florence + The Machine cover
and this is LAST WEEKS video:
Heaven (Myon Remix) - Jes cover
You'll just have to "grin and bear it" with me OK!
Tomorrow is the start of a new semester for me. I'm terrified. Why, you ask? Well, I'm going up a level in Music theory, and also taking a Government class. Does anyone know how much politics/the government interest me? Not at all. That's the answer. Sadly so, because I should really be following it all, but I'm going to be flat out honest, I don't. I feel like a terrible human being for it too. Which is one reason why I decided to take "American National Government", because all those years in elementary school, high school, and up until now, I snoozed through it all. I also have a terrible memory, so I don't retain most of what I'm taught. Which is the other reason for me being terrified about my Music Theory class. Due to a schedule conflict, I couldn't take it last semester. So I'm afraid that what I learned last Spring is all forgotten. Sucks. Needless to say I'll just need to push through.
I love music very much, but Music Theory tends to be very mathematical...can you guess my worst subject in school? MATH! So someone like myself has to work extra hard to grasp the concepts. In other words...this semester will be hell-ish. I. am. terrified. Either way, wish me luck!
This post is short and sweet, because I'm off to do online homework!! Don't be too jealous!
I will admit to feeling an awful lot like Charlie Brown this year. I didn't get that magical sensation I normally get when roaming the aisles of department stores, and looking through the aisles of Christmas Decor. Every toy that my kids would see, was sure to go on the "list" to Santa. While watching my two daughters excitedly discuss how excited they were for Santa and Presents, I couldn't help but feel a little depressed. There are people out there starving to death, and my kids are hoping they get something as senseless as a "Lalaloopsy" doll. Every gift that they would open, was just another thing they didn't need. Every gift was just another thing to take up space in their room, where the toy bins are already overflowing to begin with.
A part of me feels guilty for saying these things. I mean, I remember being a kid. I was taught that the main reason for celebration, was Jesus' birthday. I have also taught my kids this same thing. As well as spending time with family, etc, etc. I do, however, hate to emphasize on the presents. Admittedly as a child though, the presents were all I cared about. When I think of the tiny human being I was, I think to myself, "Wow, I was a brat.". Now we were poor. We were still blessed though. I was fortunate to have a mom who worked three jobs, and unfortunately would skip meals, just so she could make sure WE got fed. She never ever made us feel like we were poor though. I give her much credit for that. When Christmas came around, we'd open our presents from Santa, and I remember my mom saying, "OK, now pick one toy, to donate to a child in need." I remember loathing her for this. There I was, this little girl, a nice warm home, food to eat, and a tree with presents underneath, and I didn't want to give away even one lousy toy to a child who had nothing.
I think a part of that haunts me to this day. Which I feel has led me to feel this way. I'm also terrified that my kids will think the same thing. So in the midst of all the smiles, and laughter, all I could do was worry, that my kids were going to become spoiled brats who appreciate nothing, and all they'll ever want is more.
Before anyone gets their panties ruffled, I did not express my sadness about the whole "present" thing to my kids. I let them, as well as everyone around me enjoy their presents and food.
I would like to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas, and that we take this time to appreciate the blessings that God has given us, and to also remember, that it is not, in fact, about the things we received.
Here is this weeks video, with me singing another one of my favorite Christmas songs!
(I will say, that for the first time in history, I'm happy with a thumbnail that youtube has sporadically chosen for me. Pretty perfect for the scene if I must say so myself!)
There comes that time in a students life, where you are assigned to work with a partner on a project. Or in my case, a scene. Now what many introverts will understand, is that, this is a horrible pain. Am I going to get that highly dedicated partner who works hard to memorize their lines? Who is willing to give it their all? Of course not. I had the partner who "didn't want to do this, or that", and the night before says, "Yeah...I don't really have it memorized....it's coming pretty slow." This partner also did not show up for one of our graded performances leaving me with points deducted from the grade book.
So that little video above, is what we call a "make-up" for that missed performance, and I most definitely was not going to try and re-do that performance. NOT with a partner. The thing I never understood, is that, in today's society, they encourage working in groups in class. They also encourage the same in work environments. What I see, and what my mind automatically jumps to when hearing, "GROUP PROJECT!", is: "Oh crap...now I'm going to be left finishing up, or improvising for the work they didn't do." So forgive me for being completely agitated when this subject is brought up, but the responsible parties in the situation always seem to get dumped on, and are left either getting "docked" points, or almost handicapped because their good ol' partner decided not to show, or do his/her part.
Ugh!
On a plus side, I love doing monologues to begin with. So the work I needed to do to make-up for lost points was actually fun. I had no idea what monologue I was going to do to begin with. I enjoy crazy characters, so I typed that in in google, and there were some decent ones, but none that really stuck to me. Then I searched Femme Fatales, because I've always wanted to play something like that. I mean, we all know my favorite villain of all time is Tim Burton's Catwoman (played by Michelle Pfeiffer) right? I love that bad ass, sexy but sadistic character. The type of woman who you would think is up for grabs, but at the last second her stiletto is against your throat with the reminder that no one can have her.
Well somewhere in this mix, I came across Girl, Interrupted, which I saw many years ago, and loved. So I decided, "Heck yes!". I love Angelina Jolie, who also tends to take on the bad ass sexy female role. I didn't remember which monologue was hers, but found it, and right then and there decided to do it. While I will warn many, the content is explicit, and never something I'd say to anyone in my life. The topic is just all around disturbing to me. I love performing it. Weird right? Like many actors/actresses will probably tell you, "It's just fun to play someone that isn't yourself for a change." It is Acting after all....and not real life.
Well that's all I have for tonight, so take care all.
Au Revoir.
(Here are the songs I listened to prior to performing to get myself in the right...mindset.)
