Spontaneity...something I have always failed at...until now.

There's never enough time.  Never enough money, but there are always more than enough excuses.  

Earlier this year, a friend that I knew in high school passed away.  In the moments that I shared with this friend, I learned what it was like to just "breathe" and let things happen.  Go with the flow.  Well after nearly 9 years, a marriage, and 2 kids later, I nearly lost sight of anything pertaining to such a thing as "being spontaneous".  

My world revolves around complete routine, a very strict budget, and getting each kid from one place to the next.  There isn't much room for taking any risks when you live everyday exactly the same.  Even on any family vacations, I've always had from the time we've woken up, to the time our heads hit the pillow at night completely scheduled out.  Which means, if there is any detail that strays from the plan, I would get so angry.    I don't like when my plans change.  Everything is supposed to be "perfect".  

Well a few months ago, I had a rude awakening.  Or you could even call it an epiphany.  The most spontaneous friend I had, died suddenly while biking across the country.  He was struck by a van within' 5 miles of his destination.  (He biked from Wisconsin, all the way to Louisiana).  Immediately my first though was, "How sad!  He never made it, and he's so young!"  (he was a week from turning 26 years old)

Then it dawned on me.  He died doing something he loved.  He was happy.

This whole occurrence made me stop and look at my own life.  I don't want to die miserable.  I want to take chances, I want to have really lived my life.  Not just coast through!

I haven't felt truly free in so long.  First off, let me just say, it has nothing to do with being married, and especially not because I'm a mother.  Those are things (especially being a mom) that have made me a better person by far.  I started questioning everything about myself.  I started realizing how I haven't done what I've always wanted to do, and (aside from being a performer) that was to just travel.  No, not book some fully planned trip the way I always had.  Just get up, and go, and have no real destination.  No booking any hotels.  You just sleep wherever you are able to find a room, and if you can't find a room, then I guess the car is the next option.

So now we go back to the middle of March.  I realize that in one week, the girls will be having their spring break.  Our family has been under quite some stress for numerous months, and I think to myself, "....well Jade won some of those free waterpark passes in the Dells.  I guess we can do that one of those days?".  Then I recall my husband saying how he'd like to eventually take a week to road trip to spread his dad's ashes.  So there I had it.  Of course this was no easy task for myself.

"Do we have enough money??  Where will we go??  Where will we sleep??  Can I even STAND to be in a car for more than 2 hours??  I am terrible driving at night..especially places that I don't know!".  Then I thought of my friend, and quickly all those worries and fears were squashed.  I said a very quiet, "F-it, we're going on a road trip.  My husband can decide the whereabouts.".

In that instant, I decided to abandon all control, and just decided to go for it.  

I cannot tell you how excited I was.  For the first time in so long, I had that feeling of freedom back in my clutches.  I was alive again.  Once I changed my mindset, I was able to enjoy it every step of the way.  I'm sure my husband thought I had lost it.  I remember requesting off at work, then sending him a text saying, "I requested off until April 8th.  The girls are on Spring Break that week, so we can do the road trip to spread Dale's ashes then.  If we don't do it now, we'll never get to it.".  After some questioning and even some of the same fears that I had, he also had.  He then also squashed any reservations.  Next thing you know, we tell the kids the morning of, that we're taking a road trip.  We were hoping to make it down to Florida and back within' our 7 day time frame.

Needless to say, we made it.  We were fortunate enough to not have any issues of any sort along the way.  We found a hotel room every night that we were down there.  Even with it being Spring Break!  We ended up in Sarasota, Fl.  Then the next day we ventured to Marco Island.  One of my favorite parts, is that we managed to get a hold of my brother who was transferred to Georgia after joining the Army.  We drove to Savannah, Georgia, and met them for dinner.  Stopping in Georgia wasn't even part of the agenda.  Florida was the main focus.  I'm so glad we were able to incorporate it into our trip.  I completely fell in love with Savannah's historical charm.  I also really wanted to do a Ghost tour in one of the super fun looking trolley's!  ha ha.  That of course will have to be saved for another visit.  After that, we ventured back home.

I will say, after being in Florida and Georgia, having to go back to Wisconsin was rough!  I am glad, however, to be back home.  The girls did a fantastic job all those hours in the car.  I really, honestly, expected major melt downs.  There was no such thing though, it was such a great family experience...and it was spontaneous!  ha ha


The girls doing a great job in the car...almost to Florida!

Had to find entertainment somehow!

Thank God...finally in Florida!

Siesta Key Beach (Sarasota, Fl.)

More Siesta Key Beach

I like to take pics of the places that I have "set foot".  Siesta Key Beach.

Yep.  Me.

Still Siesta Key Beach.

Now at Marco Island!  

A hermit crab...still residing in there!

Marco Island.

Savannah, Ga!  Down at the Riverwalk.

Of course, an "Alice" reference every place I go...

Savannah, Ga.  River Walk.

The devilishly handsome young man is my nephew!!!

You can't go in the South, and not visit a Waffle House!

Goin' through Nashville, Tennessee!

Boom.  :-)  (from a Chinese buffet in Illinois)

Aaaaand, here is this weeks youtube cover:

Radioactive - Imagine Dragons Cover

Au Revoir!

I sing the Body Electric

Well I'm back folks.  I feel that in the past I have bragged too much about never getting sick, and now since December, I've been sick about every few weeks.  I finally feel fully back to health, and I hope it stays that way!

This week the song I have chosen to sing, is "Body Electric", by Lana Del Rey. 

If you couldn't already tell, I've been listening to Lana and Marina pretty much non-stop.  Which leads me to realize I need to find other artists to cover.  I think the reason I go back and forth so much with the two of them, is because Marina is everything I feel I can relate to.  Lana is everything I never had the courage to do, and was always curious about. 

My parents should be proud.  I was such a good girl, and the epitome of the "D.A.R.E." student.  With the exception of going places that I shouldn't have been going when I said I would be at my friends' house.  At least my morals still remained intact.  Deep inside every good girl, however, lurks a curiosity that longs to see how the other half lives.  Even if the "good girl" makes snide remarks about that other half.  She'll always wonder.  I think that's why Lana appeals to me.  

I can sing like I know exactly what she's talking about, but I have no idea.  I heard that she was an alcoholic and shipped off to a boarding school by the age of 14.  Can you imagine???  Not this girl.  I didn't even know about most foreplay, or the details of it at that point.  Especially at the age I'm at now, 14 seems like such a little baby!  I'm 25 by the way...and pretty soon here will be 26.  I am not excited.  For various reasons. 

To clarify, I have no regrets.  I like who I was, and who I am.  I could never be a "Lana".  In fact the very idea of it actually makes me get that feeling you get when you feel like you've been kicked in the stomach.  It's just nice to wonder.

Au Revoir!

Life. It's much too short.

"People do not die for us immediately, but remain bathed in a sort of aura of life which bears no relation to true immortality but through which they continue to occupy our thoughts in the same way as when they were alive.  It is as though they were traveling abroad."

We all seem to think that we're somehow in control of what happens around us.  That no tragic events could happen so close to home.  So often in life, we're proven so wrong.  

This morning my dad called me.  The man knows I sleep in any chance I can get, but that doesn't stop him from calling early.  On a day like today, I was grateful that he did.  Instead of me dozing back off into dreamland, he continued to send me text messages, and for some reason I decided to remain conscious enough to keep responding.  Then in that mix somewhere, I start getting other texts.  I look over at my husband, and remark, "Gah, I'm getting so many texts...just kill me.".  Yes, I know, I'm a delightful human being.  

Well, it was no longer my dad, but a friend of mine, letting me know that a friend of mine from high school has passed away.  

When someone delivers news like that, it makes no sense to me.  I try to comprehend the situation, but I can't.  

She then calls, and reads the article she found online.  He was of course biking around down south, and was hit, and pronounced dead at the scene.  

He loved bikes.  It feels like just yesterday that he took me to a bike shop, so that he could scope out different models, and explain the different features to me.  Everything that we did together all feels like it happened such a short time ago.  The unfortunate reality, is that it has been years since I've seen him, or even spoken to him.

It's not until someone passes that you realize the mistakes you've made, and the wrongs you've committed towards them.  

We went everywhere together.  What I loved though, is that it was never anything extravagant.  He was the one who introduced me to Strawberry pie ala mode, and of course with a cup of coffee at a little truck stop diner near our town.  I kid you not, when I say that is the best pie I've ever had.  After we'd eat there, he'd take me to the park next door, and we'd lay out and look at the sky, discussing life.  He took me to local music shows in the basements of college students in Madison.  He introduced me to a whole new realm of music.  He's the one who crashed prom, and rescued me from it's overly-hyped, mundane world, and said, "Let's go to the Orpheum!  They're playing "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" there tonight, and there will be people acting it out!".  Well I, as well as another friend of mine went, and it was so much better than prom, I assure you.  He also introduced me and a friend of mine to dumpster diving.  

In other words, he was key in introducing me to a whole new world of experiences.  He took the shy, reserved, and very routine girl that I was, and he introduced "spontaneity" into my world. I probably had the most crazy fun I've ever had in my life doing priceless things.  

The only way I can describe the moments I shared with him, was like running free through a windy meadow with no one else around.  Free to just breathe, and think. 

Well I destroyed that.  As swift as a slap in the face, I shut him out.  

You see, there are girls like me.  The bitter ones who trust no one.  I'm one of those girls that sees an ending to any good relationship, and will just end up alone anyways.  So why try?  Just push them away before things get too serious, make them think you're a bitch, and then they'll leave you alone.  

I don't think there is any way that I can express how horrible I feel now about that.  

I will never forget the day, that he came in to my work and asked me to the "Homecoming dance", (which was something very....not us.) in front of his friends, and I very unapologetically turned him down, saying I was going with someone else.  I saw his face sink, and he asked, "....Who asked you?".  I pointed to the boy bagging the groceries at the end of the check-out lane next to us.  That boy who was bagging, is now my husband.  I of course tried hard to push him away too, but that's a different story for a different day.  

I sabotaged that relationship, by completely coming out of nowhere as a bitch.  He later ended up in the same class as my now-husband.  I guess he confided that he didn't understand what happened.  That he really thought we would end up together.  

Well ever since that day, we haven't spoken a word to each other, because I'm a cold, heartless bitch.  

I truly regret doing that to him.  My only hope, is that he lived a happy and free life.  I heard he lived in various part of the US, and just biked everywhere.  I truly hope he was happy.  I hope he found love, and that they were both good to each other.  

He was so young, too young to pass on, but from the type of person he was, I'm sure he lived more than anyone else.

RIP Dear Friend.

There's a drumming sound inside my head...

The Drumming Song - Florence + The Machine Cover

Gee, am I doing the Chicken Dance?  A Frankenstein trying to scare off intruders?  Just another lovely still chosen as the thumbnail for my latest video.  Trust me...this was the lesser of evils.  

So this week has been interesting.  Work, school, homework, kids, husband.  All categories are high in demand.  I will say though, a major achievement on my part was finding the trick to getting my kids to not only clean their room as I had directed, but they went above and beyond what I expected!  Both my girls decided to organize all the shelving units within' their room, including their shoe rack.  To some, this may not be a big thing, but for me, I was over the moon!  Basically my one rule, is if you don't have your room clean, you sleep with the door shut.  Now some kids always sleep like this, but my kids absolutely hate it.  So they've been doing a great job at picking their toys up before bed.  Well the other night, and without my asking, they went further and organized.  Which led to the reward of getting to have the hallway light on as well.  Again, to some, this may be nothing at all.  For my kids though, this was a great achievement, and I was so proud that they did more than expected.  Now if only I could get the husband to do the same...kidding...well kind of.

I've learned, that in my new Music theory class, that I am possibly the dumbest student in there.  There are kids in there that will just blurt out definitions to words like....I forget exactly, but "Allegrato giocoso"???  At least I think that's the term.  Then the students who can pinpoint the foundation of the style of music being in the "baroque" era.  Yeah, these questions get asked, and this is me:

Not cool.  Made the Dean's List last semester, and I'm just going to take a shot and say that probably won't happen this semester. 

By the way, has anyone seen Trailer Park Boys?  If not, you should, it's hilarious.

Well, there is more homework that needs attention, so I must be getting that done.  Haven't had much time to  practice the piano portion of the song I want to cover by Lana Del Rey, but soon enough!  I also am planning on a monologue that will require the assistance from the only man I'm ever around really....my husband!  Ha!  This should go well...

Adios!  

This is what makes us girls....

Aaaaaand here is this weeks newest video.  I decided to sing, "This is what makes us girls" by Lana Del Rey.  

This is just another fun and catchy song.  I never really had a group of "girl friends" growing up.  With the exception of very few (who are also very similar to myself in our ways of thinking on this topic) females, I have never been able to really relate to girls my age.  It may just be the way I grew up, with my only friend being my brother, who is only a year and a half older than me.  We moved most every year when I was younger, so I didn't attach to people the way most do. When it was time to move I never shed any tears.  It was just routine, and I remember every last goodbye was just a, "well..bye." and I walked away and never game them a second thought. 

The time came when my family decided to leave Illinois (yes that's where I'm from) and migrate up to Wisconsin.  We moved to a little suburb, and we've been here ever since.  Since this wasn't part of routine, I think it really threw me off.  Everyone knows everyone here.  I hate it.  It's also very embarrassing when you see someone who knows you, and you have absolutely no clue who they are!  I guess my mind just regurgitates that sort of information, since that wasn't something I had to remember during the entire foundation of my existence.  One funny example.  My teacher in my new Music Theory class likes to put people in groups (eek!).  Now I had a good thing going.  There was one kid who also sits by himself, near me, and we just kinda look at each other, and that's word enough for us to know, "sure, I'll work with you".  We stick strictly to the assignment, and when we're done we both go back to our own heads sitting in silence staring forward, and that's OK!  Well...my teacher threw a curve at me.  He had us mix it up, so we had to get to know "new people".  Well I had to work with 2 new guys!  One very very very talkative.....I mean very talkative.  Not only do the words just consistently flow out of his mouth, they LOUDLY and consistently flow out of his mouth!  Fortunately the other kid in my group was quiet like me.  He also seemed a bit alienated by the other person...so that was comforting to me.  Well after class the quiet new kid sees me in the hall and yells out, "Nice to meet you Rachel!".  To which I reply, "Oh, nice to meet you too!".  I swear to you, the next 10 minutes I spent scrambling whatever was left of my memories from that class period searching for that kids name.  It's days later now, and I still have no clue what that kids name was, and we all introduced ourselves.  I mean, how weird does that look?  This kid literally tells me his name 20 minutes prior to this encounter, and I'm thinking I should ask what his name is again???  Poor kid.  I always hope people don't get offended by the fact that I never remember them.  I honestly try.  

Well anyways, when I'm listening to this song, "This is what makes us girls", I can always see the scenarios she's describing so vividly, and I think to myself, "I wonder what it would have been like to be that way when I was young?".  I was just a quiet teen whose only crime was not always being where I said I was.  Wherever I was though, I was always the "moral backbone" of my friends.  I never drank a sip of alcohol, never took a drag of a cigarette, nothing.  No drugs, nada.  I was about as clean as they came.  I only "looked" like a bad teen according to many.  Just goes to show you can't judge a book by its cover.  When I listen to Lana's song though, I can't help but wonder.  "Man, I wonder what it would've felt like to steal police cars...and run off with senior guys...and do all those stereotypical things that rebellious teenagers do!?".  Something I had not experienced, and no, I have no regrets.  I just tend to analyze every detail of life ;-)

Well I'll leave you with that.  Au Revoir!

  

That's what the water gave me...

Well Hello there folks!  

This week I'm going to put 2 videos in this post.  Last week I felt like death, due to strep throat AND whatever it is that everyone in Wisconsin has.  Some sort of cough, headache, aching...thing.  I still decided to make a video.  It was painful. 

This week, still not great, but light years from where I was at. 

Here is THIS weeks vid:

What the Water Gave Me - Florence + The Machine cover

and this is LAST WEEKS video:

Heaven (Myon Remix) - Jes cover

You'll just have to "grin and bear it" with me OK!

Tomorrow is the start of a new semester for me.  I'm terrified.  Why, you ask?  Well, I'm going up a level in Music theory, and also taking a Government class.  Does anyone know how much politics/the government interest me?  Not at all.  That's the answer.  Sadly so, because I should really be following it all, but I'm going to be flat out honest, I don't.  I feel like a terrible human being for it too.  Which is one reason why I decided to take "American National Government", because all those years in elementary school, high school, and up until now, I snoozed through it all.  I also have a terrible memory, so I don't retain most of what I'm taught.  Which is the other reason for me being terrified about my Music Theory class.  Due to a schedule conflict, I couldn't take it last semester.  So I'm afraid that what I learned last Spring is all forgotten.  Sucks.  Needless to say I'll just need to push through.  

I love music very much, but Music Theory tends to be very mathematical...can you guess my worst subject in school?  MATH!  So someone like myself has to work extra hard to grasp the concepts.  In other words...this semester will be hell-ish.  I. am. terrified.  Either way, wish me luck!  

This post is short and sweet, because I'm off to do online homework!!  Don't be too jealous!

Hasta Luego!

Merry Christmas, Feliz Navidad!!!

I will admit to feeling an awful lot like Charlie Brown this year.  I didn't get that magical sensation I normally get when roaming the aisles of department stores, and looking through the aisles of  Christmas Decor.  Every toy that my kids would see, was sure to go on the "list" to Santa.  While watching my two daughters excitedly discuss  how excited they were for Santa and Presents, I couldn't help but feel a little depressed.  There are people out there starving to death, and my kids are hoping they get something as senseless as a "Lalaloopsy" doll.  Every gift that they would open, was just another thing they didn't need.  Every gift was just another thing to take up space in their room, where the toy bins are already overflowing to begin with.  

A part of me feels guilty for saying these things.  I mean, I remember being a kid.  I was taught that the main reason for celebration, was Jesus' birthday.  I have also taught my kids this same thing.   As well as spending time with family, etc, etc.  I do, however, hate to emphasize on the presents.  Admittedly as a child though, the presents were all I cared about.  When I think of the tiny human being I was, I think to myself, "Wow, I was a brat.".  Now we were poor.  We were still blessed though.  I was fortunate to have a mom who worked three jobs, and unfortunately would skip meals, just so she could make sure WE got fed.  She never ever made us feel like we were poor though.  I give her much credit for that.  When Christmas came around, we'd open our presents from Santa, and I remember my mom saying, "OK, now pick one toy, to donate to a child in need."  I remember loathing her for this.  There I was, this little girl, a nice warm home, food to eat, and a tree with presents underneath, and I didn't want to give away even one lousy toy to a child who had nothing.  

I think a part of that haunts me to this day.  Which I feel has led me to feel this way.  I'm also terrified that my kids will think the same thing.  So in the midst of all the smiles, and laughter, all I could do was worry, that my kids were going to become spoiled brats who appreciate nothing, and all they'll ever want is more.  

Before anyone gets their panties ruffled, I did not express my sadness about the whole "present" thing to my kids.  I let them, as well as everyone around me enjoy their presents and food.  

I would like to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas, and that we take this time to appreciate the blessings that God has given us, and to also remember, that it is not, in fact, about the things we received.  

Here is this weeks video, with me singing another one of my favorite Christmas songs!

O Come O Come Emmanuel - Raquelashakti

Joyeux Noel!