Saturday, May 26, 2012

I'm baaaaack!

Well, this is a bit pathetic. Here nearly 2 years have gone by...and I haven't written a blog since. How terrible is that? Anyways, I'm making myself busy again. Focusing on my music, and making projects for myself! So what's new, you ask? Well, not a whole lot! I did however, go back to school, and I'm studying music theory. I love it. Unfortunately next semester the music theory class and the co-requisite that I need won't work for my schedule. So, I'm taking an acting class, and an intro to film class! How fun is that?? Still bummed about not being able to take my Music theory class though. It's weird, I've never been formally trained in music, I've only ever operated by ear, and I do still find it difficult to notate, and really.."write out" my music onto paper. It's always been in my head! For some reason though, music seems to be the only language that I'm fluent in. It's amazing. All my life, I've been an outcast, I'm socially awkward, and I do try (incredibly hard) to not be so awkward. It works at times, I can stay in character...but the real me prefers being alone in my house, in my own little world. That's just who I am. So anyways, I have a brother. He's incredibly talented, and if you ask me at what, I'll say..anything he tries. The boy excels at nearly everything. When he was in highschool, he picked up a bass (he also has no formal training)and blew everyone out of the water. I still remember the fanboys who bought bass' because of him, and went on and on about he was the best bassist in the world. They strived to be like him. He can sell water to a fish. He now, and for some years now, does cage fighting/MMA. He's also been wrestling since the age of 2 or 3, and wrestled with the highschool boys that my grandpa was teaching at the time. When my brother got to highschool, he tried football. Just so you can get the picture here, my brother was a whopping 5'4..and thin, but stalky, very broad shoulders. They're in football practice, and the coach gets mad, and yells,"WHY IS THE SMALLEST GUY THE ONE WHO CAN HIT THE HARDEST?!" That's my brother ;-) I love him. He may be small, heck I'm small too! but nothing gets in his way...except himself. He realized this, he has demons, and baggage as a result of the abusive childhood we had. He can practice, he can be unbeatable, but when it would come time to perform..he would freeze. The demons would whisper their nasty lies in his ears, and plant their seeds of doubt in his head. This left him stunted. Frozen. It was a shame. He recently decided to get help, so he did some research, and found a life coach. This takes a series of steps, prayer, writing down goals, cutting out the bad from your life (i.e. if you abuse cut out alcohol.) Then teaching yourself to shut out the demons, the doubt, the darkness. My brother calls me, because he knows, that not only he has these issues, but I do as well. I'm the girl who started singing special music solo in church at the age of 3. I began singing for weddings at the age of 10, and other special events. I was later asked to sing for all sorts of events in the town that I resided..which caused controversy from jealous individuals. I was a prodigy, but now what? I'm not a kid anymore, I'm an adult, and maybe I was advanced then..but now any talent I have most people have developed by now. My fear? Being a has-been that never went anywhere with her life. The girl that wasted her potential. Those demons whisper in my ear, "You're not special...No one has ever liked you..why would they like the music you create?..Sure, you can create a CD, but then what? You'll run out of ideas, and you'll be a 1 hit wonder." Stupid, right? Well in an attempt at beating our demons, my brother and I do this. He keeps checking up on me, haha, he keeps asking if I'm staying on task. Unfortunately I'm not as much as him, but we'll do this together. We need to beat our demons. I need to make my music, and not worry if people will hate it. Who am I to waste the gift God told me to use? The one he gave me and said, "go make music, show the world". Who am I to say "no"? So I'm back. This time, I will stick with it, and if you're reading this, and you have the same problem. I urge you, don't let you destroy and/or waste yourself. The only thing stopping you is "you". Good luck.

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