Thursday, December 31, 2009

Happy New Years everyone!

Well, holy crap. 2009 is basically over. As of midnight tonight, it will officially be 2010. It just amazes me really. I mean how the heck did the year go by so fast?
So is anyone else planning their "new years resolutions"? I need to lose 15 pounds. That's about it. I hate saying, "I will stay off chocolate for 6 months!". I mean come on! Why torture yourself? haha. I don't think a New Years resolution should be a punishment, just a goal I suppose. A realistic one that you KNOW you won't fall back on. Or one that really benefits you. I should also say that I will "try" to exercise more. I'll be honest, I need to. I just got done with a 10 day dance bootcamp thing basically. Towards the middle of it, I could barely move my arms. However, last night was the last class for me. In a strange way, I was very sad that it was over. I do miss looking forward to having to go to an hour dance everyday. So I'll have to make some sort of goal to get my behind off the couch, and doing some form of exercise. Anyone with me?

So my next goal. I've put up 1 video on youtube so far. Nothing spectacular. Just me singing "What Child is This?" My next project. I want to sing a few tracks from, "NINE" (musical). The tracks? "My Husband makes Movies", "Take it all", and "Be Italian". I would also like to do the choreography for it, but I'm waiting for clips of the actual film to watch so I can see how they dance, then learn it, and do it. So it'd be a full on show!

Here's hoping!

Happy New Year all!

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Before you know it, you're nothing but a name. The body behind it doesn't matter anymore

Sooo I did new pics. You'll find that I do these quite frequently, because I often get bored.

So here they are.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Did you end up becoming the person you wanted to be when you were little?

Sometimes, I wish I was a child again. I was a little, naive, in my own head, constantly day dreaming girl. I was happy, even though my childhood was not the greatest. I would still blissfully dance around my room, act out scenes from movies to myself, and sing. I was just happy, and completely oblivious to all the garbage surrounding me. To this day, I can still put myself back in my room, balancing on the footboard of my bed like a balancing beam, and reciting lines from Fivel goes West. I'm still that little girl, and I'm still in this body somewhere. I can still see through the same eyes trying to keep my balance. So what happened then? Why is this little girl not out doing what she was born doing as a career? Gah, I hate that word..."career". How about I rephrase that to, "pursuing my talents". It's not like I haven't had opportunities. I've sung for weddings, relay for life rallies, talent shows, competitions, school organizations (not choir though). I've taken those opportunities, so what am I missing? I know, it's been awhile, and I haven't been jumping at every opportunity. So now I'm starting. I'm going to have to do whatever it takes, and I will make it.
So this all makes me wonder, how many of us set these dreams for ourselves when we're young, and then forget when we're adults. Next thing you know, we're all working for some corporation, getting stressed out, and care about nothing but money. Where do we get lost along the way? So you may have guessed it, I do work for corporate. It pays the bills, and it is nice. I'm able to do whatever it is that I want to do in this job. So really I have no room for complaints here. Once again though, my talents are not being utilized. Sure, I'm a quick learner, and I can do basically anything that is asked of me, but it's not enough. I remember pulling into my work parking ramp one day, and I had to wait for the people walking on the cross-walk. They all had the same tired, bored, robotic look on their faces. They also were all walking EXACTLY the same. I kid you not. Same steps, same arms swinging in the same direction. Then I couldn't help but wonder, "is this what happens to us all?" Do we lose ourselves and become robots?? At that point I made up my mind. This is a nice job, but I need to get out of it. I'll keep it until I make my dream, but it only pushes me to try harder. I'm sick of just settling because it's convenient. I need to take a risk, and get out there! So youtube, here I come! haha

Monday, December 21, 2009

Oh yeah

so in my last blog, I told you about taking pictures...and did not even post them. My apologies.

So I've decided that a cup of coffee is essential to Monday Mornings. Makes my whole day so much better.

Anyways, here are the pics that I had to take myself. Kinda difficult using a self-timer, because you have to jump in and you really aren't sure what you're gonna get, but here they are.

Such a faceted personality..ies?

Back at work.

So I decided to take some pics, I often get bored, and decide to play dress-up and take fun pictures. Some times I'm still that 4 year old girl who dresses up in a zillion different outfits, and prances around in front of the mirror modeling them. Some things just never seem to change. I'm still such a dreamer. From as long as I can remember, I could be content just sitting in one spot dreaming about what I would one day become. Now I'm at the point of getting anxious and even though I'm young, I feel my door will close if I don't act quick. I remember when I was 12, and I was already singing for peoples' weddings, and my dad kept pressuring me to write songs, and get a record deal. He just would not get off of it. You'll have to understand, my dad would have only done this for one thing. He could be my "manager", and therefore reap the benefit. So in response to all of his pressure, I stopped. I refused to sing for him. It drove me nuts. Call me spiteful, but even at the age of 12, I knew when I was being used. Now everything I do, is kept quiet from him. When I "make it", he'll most likely find out by seeing me on the tv screen. Ohhh papi... what to do with you?

So anyways, here is a video of me singing. I'm also playing the piano to it, but I'm not a world class piano player, in fact, only beginner. I'm singing "What Child is This?". I only felt it to be appropriate for the Season. Merry Christmas.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

tiiiired, and it's not even Friday yet.

Right now, the word to describe me is Zombie. It's Thursday morning. 8:34 AM to be exact, and I am not a morning person. Sitting here at this desk, with no one coming up to it...well it isn't helping any. I may just pass out.

Don't you just hate when you wake up, and you're already in a very irritable mood? Then you just know your whole day is going to be bad?

I come to work today, and all my things at my desk (I had the day off yesterday) are moved, misplaced, etc. WTF?! Then of course I have 2 messages from quite possibly the most annoying co-worker on the planet. I only have one way to describe how she makes me feel, and that is "she makes me feel violent inside". She means well, I know. But come on! I'm one of those people that really, just need to be left alone to figure things out for myself. I guess I'm stubborn in that way, but oh well.

So anyways, I watched the Dexter finale. So so sad :-(
I couldn't believe it, and I felt so bad for him and his poor baby!
So now we have to wait a whole year before season 5 comes out, that's the sad part :-(

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Never done this before

So I'm new to this whole blogging thing, and I never seem to know what to say until I start typing. So it may all seem random, and ramble somewhat. So that is the reason I chose the current title.

So I get to watch the season Finale of Dexter tonight. Has anyone else been following this show? Amazing. I'm not sure another show has ever had me this hooked. So I must thank the dear friend that started me on this to begin with. Like with many new things, I hesitate to start in the first place, and once I see how amazing it is, I feel shameful for being so stupid to put it off.

The more I watch Dexter, the more I feel like "gee, there's someone out there who feels the same way"...well you know, minus the whole killing thing. The last episode I watched, Rita was going on about how he's so "in his head", how he's afraid to show people "who he really is". To this day, my husband is the only person who sees me. The only person I don't feel I have to put on an act for. I'm 22, and I still have no clue how to mask my awkwardness at times. Working in customer service has done wonders for me, I'll admit to that. I can at least pretend like I enjoy other peoples presence, and some people I genuinly do. About 99% of those people though...nope. I'd much rather be left alone, and not have to talk to anyone. All these years, I keep asking myself, "what's wrong with me?" "Why don't I ever fit in?" "Why can NO ONE understand why I do the things I do, say the things I say". I still will get in the middle of a group of girls, and I'll say something, and everyone will just stop and look at me like I'm a freak. It's quite strange, and I still can't figure out why. So Dexter..I understand you. haha.

So that's part of introducing myself. Interests..well I love music, I started singing for an audience at the age of 3, and sang for my first wedding at the age of 10. I also love acting, even though I've only done 1 play that was back in highschool. I loved it. It came so naturally, and I long, more than anything, to be on the big screen one day. For so long I've lived in fear of "what if I don't make it?" well screw that. I WILL make it. I live in a bit of a podunk town, so resources are a bit limited, but I NEED to do what I was born/groomed/made to do. I'm a quiet girl, who really doesn't care for most people, but lives to perform for all of them. I want to be up there by myself on a stage, and do what I like, and be able to think, "I don't care what you think. either take it or leave it." It's my destiny. Only problem, is that I don't know how to get there yet. God keeps telling me, "be patient, be on your weaknesses first", but I'm still wondering, how, when, what??!! BE PATIENT! It will happen soon enough. Another interest of course, is fashion. I don't know if I'm any good at it, but I do love it so much. It was just another thing that made me stand apart in school. Another thing that all the kids gave me confused looks for, but I loved it. It was me.