"People do not die for us immediately, but remain bathed in a sort of aura of life which bears no relation to true immortality but through which they continue to occupy our thoughts in the same way as when they were alive. It is as though they were traveling abroad."
We all seem to think that we're somehow in control of what happens around us. That no tragic events could happen so close to home. So often in life, we're proven so wrong.
This morning my dad called me. The man knows I sleep in any chance I can get, but that doesn't stop him from calling early. On a day like today, I was grateful that he did. Instead of me dozing back off into dreamland, he continued to send me text messages, and for some reason I decided to remain conscious enough to keep responding. Then in that mix somewhere, I start getting other texts. I look over at my husband, and remark, "Gah, I'm getting so many texts...just kill me.". Yes, I know, I'm a delightful human being.
Well, it was no longer my dad, but a friend of mine, letting me know that a friend of mine from high school has passed away.
When someone delivers news like that, it makes no sense to me. I try to comprehend the situation, but I can't.
She then calls, and reads the article she found online. He was of course biking around down south, and was hit, and pronounced dead at the scene.
He loved bikes. It feels like just yesterday that he took me to a bike shop, so that he could scope out different models, and explain the different features to me. Everything that we did together all feels like it happened such a short time ago. The unfortunate reality, is that it has been years since I've seen him, or even spoken to him.
It's not until someone passes that you realize the mistakes you've made, and the wrongs you've committed towards them.
We went everywhere together. What I loved though, is that it was never anything extravagant. He was the one who introduced me to Strawberry pie ala mode, and of course with a cup of coffee at a little truck stop diner near our town. I kid you not, when I say that is the best pie I've ever had. After we'd eat there, he'd take me to the park next door, and we'd lay out and look at the sky, discussing life. He took me to local music shows in the basements of college students in Madison. He introduced me to a whole new realm of music. He's the one who crashed prom, and rescued me from it's overly-hyped, mundane world, and said, "Let's go to the Orpheum! They're playing "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" there tonight, and there will be people acting it out!". Well I, as well as another friend of mine went, and it was so much better than prom, I assure you. He also introduced me and a friend of mine to dumpster diving.
In other words, he was key in introducing me to a whole new world of experiences. He took the shy, reserved, and very routine girl that I was, and he introduced "spontaneity" into my world. I probably had the most crazy fun I've ever had in my life doing priceless things.
The only way I can describe the moments I shared with him, was like running free through a windy meadow with no one else around. Free to just breathe, and think.
Well I destroyed that. As swift as a slap in the face, I shut him out.
You see, there are girls like me. The bitter ones who trust no one. I'm one of those girls that sees an ending to any good relationship, and will just end up alone anyways. So why try? Just push them away before things get too serious, make them think you're a bitch, and then they'll leave you alone.
I don't think there is any way that I can express how horrible I feel now about that.
I will never forget the day, that he came in to my work and asked me to the "Homecoming dance", (which was something very....not us.) in front of his friends, and I very unapologetically turned him down, saying I was going with someone else. I saw his face sink, and he asked, "....Who asked you?". I pointed to the boy bagging the groceries at the end of the check-out lane next to us. That boy who was bagging, is now my husband. I of course tried hard to push him away too, but that's a different story for a different day.
I sabotaged that relationship, by completely coming out of nowhere as a bitch. He later ended up in the same class as my now-husband. I guess he confided that he didn't understand what happened. That he really thought we would end up together.
Well ever since that day, we haven't spoken a word to each other, because I'm a cold, heartless bitch.
I truly regret doing that to him. My only hope, is that he lived a happy and free life. I heard he lived in various part of the US, and just biked everywhere. I truly hope he was happy. I hope he found love, and that they were both good to each other.
He was so young, too young to pass on, but from the type of person he was, I'm sure he lived more than anyone else.
RIP Dear Friend.