That's right. This week, I posted a video of myself on youtube, however, I'm only playing piano this time. I decided to share a bit of myself more personally. Let people in on a bit of the music that I'd like to create. Mind you, what I show in the video is only the tip of the ice berg, but it's a start.
The piece I'm playing was made up by myself, years ago actually. Odd thing is, is that I can't make music on the keyboard in the video. What works best for me is going to my mom's house and using her upright piano. For some reason that piano and I have chemistry. I sit at it, and new music comes up, suddenly I get the inspiration that I only try to get while sitting at the keyboard you see in this video. I'm at least able to mimic the music while playing it though.
Anyways, here's the video, please watch and subscribe to my channel! Your support means the world to me!
Also, thought I'd let you in on some great music. I discovered this band recently, and fell in love immediately. I turned their page on, on Spotify (an online radio..thing) and let it play. Even when I went to sleep, I left it on, and fell asleep to this beautiful Euphoric music.
I rambled a bit yesterday about random things. I did mention in my last post, however, about how I was "due" for putting a video up this week on youtube. So I did. Or more accurately, I am. In the meantime I'm sitting here stuffing my face with stale marshmallows (the best!) until my video finishes uploading.
This weeks video is called "Fear and Loathing" by Marina and the Diamonds. I bet at least someone out there is wondering if I'm just going to do her whole album. I guess the more I read Marina's lyrics, the more I feel like we're the same person inside. In this song, she says the things that have always been on my mind, but wasn't quite sure how to say.
I mean, down to the very detail of feeling like I have multiple people in my head (I swear...I'm not schizo), the different facades that I put on for different people, and wondering which person in me is most "like-able". Also interestingly enough she talks about wanting to feel like she's "floating". I've said this so much over the years, mostly floating in water though. That feeling that you get when you're doing so, is what is really being referenced here. So a part of me wonders if Marina is my...mental soulmate??? Or...mental twin? I have no idea what you would call it. Either way, she's great, and I love how she really wants people to understand her. There's frustration in trying to make people see you for what you really are, and to have them fully understand. It normally never happens. I'm glad she's putting her feelings out there though.
Ugh, I need to stop eating my marshmallows now...I'm beginning to feel sick.
Anyways, here's that video. Check it out, and please subscribe to my channel. Trust me when I say, it'd mean the world to me!
So I haven't put up a video in a few weeks. This week looks like I'll be due. I decided to take some time off and focus on other things instead. While I will admit...some of that relied on heavy doses of the show "Breaking Bad", I also decided to work on my other aspirations. If you've read some of my past blogs, I also sew/make clothing. Which I will post about with pics in a different blog entry coming soon!
Last night I spent time with one of my long time friends, who is also an artist, and more importantly. An Introvert. We discussed our need for an honest job (meaning, a job where we can be ourselves and utilize our abilities). A potential road trip in the future, and expressing ourselves through painting. Well in these past few weeks, I've had this horrible urge to paint, to express myself in ways that I couldn't with words...or even with my music, if you can imagine that! So I go on about how "I'm going to post a status on facebook, saying if anyone asks what I want for Christmas. I want Canvas. I don't care if it's been hanging on your wall for 10 years, or you found it at a garage sale." That's what I would like. Regardless of shape and size. Mind you, this is last night that I say this. Today I walk into my apartment lobby, and just like a ray of sunshine blasted down from God himself, these present themselves to me:
I nearly cried with joy.
In this small moment, I take a second to try to decide if this is for real. Am I really seeing two wonderfully sized canvas'.....for free?! Within' hours of me stating that I need them so badly?? Either one of my neighbors heard me say this while I was on my deck about midnight last night, or God has decided that I really need to paint. I'm so happy, I'm even considering leaving a note in the lobby thanking the "giver of the canvas".
Let the outlet for my creativity begin!
Some other changes as well, my hair. Anyone who knows me, knows that I opt for black. Every time. I know, and guarantee that I still will go back fairly soon. I, however, needed a change. Since I'm broke, I had to do this myself, and oddly enough, am quite pleased with the results!
I think a part of me longs for that person I was in high school. Maturity wise..probably not. Freedom I felt...yes. I used to do whatever I wanted to my hair. I used to wear whatever I wanted regardless of what people thought. Then over the years of being a mother, and working in a corporation, I've become bland. This consists of me wearing plain jeans...and plain shirts. I want to get a way from that. I want to be me.
So that's what I'm going to do.
Here's the funny thing. I now consider myself to have an honest job. I work at a local library, and I put books away. I make half of what I used to make sitting at a desk, living a cushy lifestyle. At that time however, I wasn't happy. Every day I went to work, that voice went off in my head saying, "you don't belong here, everyone is so miserable, and you'll become a robot". How did I not see that that is what was happening? At my new job, people are happy, and the ones who have been there for quite some time, love their job. Which in turn, makes it an enjoyable place to work. I get no benefits, no bonuses, and the pay is low. The difference, is that I'm happy. I'm content, and I can be me. I can wear what I want, think my own thoughts, and legitimately get along with people. I'm happy. Poor, but happy haha. Which I guess is what really matters, isn't it?
Why is it, that when I feel my lowest, or when I feel the most unsure about life, that I get the most inspiration? Do I feed off depression? Do I like being depressed? As much of an oxymoron as that is.
Or is that just who I am? A quiet, low-rev, melancholy being? While the rest of the world is in a panic, and getting on Prozac to keep from feeling this way. I revel in it. I think it's OK to allow yourself to feel, and yes, even in darkest times. Instead of making the worst of it...gain inspiration from it. Write down on a piece of paper how you feel. It's OK, really, I promise you. Even if what you write it horrible, embarrassing, or childish. Do it. I dare you.
Thing is, it is what you do with it. You can, like me, choose to share with the world. Or you can rip that paper up, throw it away, or burn it if you'd like. Either way, writing it down feels great. Even as introverts, we need a way to get what we feel out. Instead of telling a person/people who will tell you a plethora of things you already know, or just don't bleeping listen. Write it down. Or make a song! We need an outlet too. It's just harder to call someone up, and voice what is wrong. It's always much easier to write. In my personal opinion.
What has me in this slump? I can't even tell you. I wake up, and today my brain just says, "Alright Rachel, today, you're going to "hate life", and question everything in it. You're going to remember everything that has ever haunted you, and yes, there will be tears....HAVE A GREAT DAY!!!!!"
*Bleep* you brain...*bleep* you...
So all today, while I'm thinking, I decide, OK, you know what, let's shop. Since I can't buy anything, I just "window shop"...*insert sarcastic "yay" here*....
While I'm out, I realize even more what is wrong with the world. How, terrible a pair of jeans that are too tight look much worse that a pair of well-fitted jeans on even the greatest of bodies, and even more disturbing, how sexualized they make children's clothes nowadays.
No. I am not going to send my child to school with the phrase "Hot" on her ass. Nor would I send my teenager to school with that. In fact, that's freakin' forbidden, and if she doesn't like it. Her option from there on out is the good ol' burlap sack. I kid you not.
So back to my point...what is wrong with this world!!!! Maybe us "melancholy folk" aren't what's wrong here. Maybe it's the in your face, pushed up boobs, overly friendly, fake, too body conscious, individuals who have been setting the standards for way too long. I fear for my children. I really do.
*rant rant rant*
On to another thing that I've been seriously re-thinking. It's my youtube videos. Not so much the videos, but the schedule itself. While the songs I've been singing, I do love. I'm just not sure singing them makes me honest. While quite literally every song I have sang I can relate to, or would have written myself. They are someone else's words. Making sure I get one up each week, has made the whole process seem "cheapened" to me. The thing I'm unsure of, is my vow to put one up each week. I made that vow, so to go back on it, hurts internally. I also think I need to put up my own music. I know right? Scary. I just feel that in the long run, that'll be the right thing to do. What will actually gain me some recognition. Being honest with the audience about what I would actually want to do. Make the music I actually would want to make.
*thoughts thoughts thoughts*
I guess we'll have to see.
In the mean time. Here are some songs that I'm loving currently while in this mood of mine:
I'll admit it. I was scared I wouldn't get a video up this week!
Fear not! For I have done so!
(as you can already see above)
This week I have chosen Jessie J's "Price Tag". Which is a more upbeat song with a good message. I know, I know...not very normal for me, huh? I myself prefer more melancholy music, but there are times where I take a break from that, and pick something more uplifting.
Wanna hear my near death experience for today?
Many may not believe this, but today, for the first time...I mowed an entire yard! haha. Which brings me to the near death experience. This yard is on a lake, and it's also quite hill-y. Well my perfectionist self just couldn't stand the extra blades of grass standing tall against the neighbors fence. So I went forward along it, and didn't get close enough. So in my head I think...well just put it in reverse! So I do, which backs me up to the lake down a little hill. No I wasn't trying to go down the hill part. The riding mower however, didn't give me much choice. I tried to push the brake, but the mower kept backing up, and I come to the realization that the mower and I are going into the lake if I don't do something. Well I keep pushing the brake, and I grab and hold to that neighbors fence for my dear life. I manage to stop the mower, but I'm still holding strong, and the mower makes a "POP!". So while straddling this darn thing, holding to the fence, and then trying to maneuver my hand to reach the stick to put it in neutral I have family members come running like hell! hahaha I can only wonder what they were thinking, seeing this small girl on a huge riding mower, holding onto a fence while keeping a probably 400 lb. mower in place!
I'm sure it was a sight.
So on a plus, accomplished mowing a lawn...but almost died! haha Oh well, still here, still breathing, and still making videos! Enjoy!
