Wednesday, June 13, 2012

“I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much.”

Well said Mother Theresa...well said. There are so many sayings and quotes that relate to the hard times that we go through in life. Whenever I'm stuck in a hard place, I tend to look up quotes as inspiration. I guess it's because this lets me know that I'm not the only one that has trials in life. If you talked to me a few years ago, you might find me saying that, "Life is great", and, "Everything is going the way it's supposed to". Well, apparently God realized I was getting too cocky and secure in life, so he decided to throw me a couple storms in order to strengthen me somehow. Don't get me wrong, even through my hard times, I still have a roof over my head, and some food. There is also always someone else out there that has it way harder than me. I try to tell myself this repeatedly to keep myself in check. It seems since the year 2010, that it was time to put me in the spotlight and see just what I was made of. Before then, I thought I was strong...after all that has happened, I really feel helpless, and that maybe I was only ever seen as "strong" by others before, because I really didn't have any trials that proved to others that I was. I just always had my head up, and that's what people saw. Granted my childhood was rough, and even though it was awful, I wouldn't change it, it's made me who I am today. I had a great mother who unfortunately had to work 3 jobs to keep food on the table and for a place to live. My dad made mistakes when we were little, fortunately he has since come around, and has been great, even a person that I can confide in. So life was peachy really. Then 2010 hits. Family drama gets out of control. Quite literally every time I turned around I was losing another family member. Worst of them was my husband. He was gone for a year in the military for training. If that wasn't bad enough, while he was gone, he separated himself from me, mentally. I remember him visiting, and he may as well have stayed down south. I don't know who that was...but it wasn't my husband. He was mean, cold, and completely void of emotion. He made so many decisions that quite literally felt like he took a knife, and stabbed it in me over, and over and over. He didn't want me anymore, and made a decision that told me he wanted to end the relationship. That is when I lost it. I went from being a really freakin' great mother, who had every minute of the day planned with all sorts of activities, to a woman who could barely get out of bed. Couldn't feed herself, and had no desire to live. If I didn't have my amazing little girls, and my nephew at the time, I don't think I'd still be living. You see, when you have children, you "have" to get up, you "have" to make food. You "have" to keep on living whether you want to or not, and when they go to sleep, you can go somewhere quiet, and lose it all over again. This was my life for many months...until my husband returned. The feelings I thought that would have passed, just came back all over again. Like I was experiencing the pain for the first time. We had gone through a lot. To top it off, my brother who I was very close to, joined the army, and had orders to move to Georgia. His wife, who I also love very much, I got very close to. She was a good friend, someone fun to hang with, of course went with him. Which means, my nephew, the little guy who got up the earliest whenever he'd spend the night here, or who would come super early because I watched him while his mother worked. Also left. When you spend that much time with a person, you get very attached, and they become almost like "the son you never had". Them leaving crushed me, and to this day I still cry about my nephew not being here. Not being able to see him. I still won't watch Curious George, I'll break down if I even hear the theme music. We watched that cartoon every morning when he was here. Now it's the year 2012, so much has happened since then, and so far...this year has been safe *knock on wood*. Our financial status is awful to say the least. A part of me keeps hoping that things will work out, and there's a voice that keeps assuring me that good things are in store for me. A big music career anyone? Acting?...Anything?! Here's hoping. If anyone else out there has these same problems, we'll make it out alive. God provides, sometimes we just don't realize what the big plan really is. Cheers.

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