Allow me to blab

Tonight I'm taking off of trying to film whatever video..concoction I come up with for this week.  Tonight, I feel the need to speak.  

Funny how it's easiest to write down the things you want to say, versus saying them.  As a "thinker" I get inspired by many different things.  How watching people, either close or far from you, can spring a plethora of ideas into your own head.  Maybe even make you question your own life...the way you do things.

For instance, one of my closest friends.  Their actions can be downright offensive.  Their beliefs, they really aren't even sure of, but are at least sure of what they don't believe.  They are the only one to call the bull in a room full of people who all think the same thing.  To give the honest answer that will get a rise when asked a question.  

Dear Friend, I envy you.

I think there are many of us who claim not give an eff about what "people" think.  That's a lie.  We all care what someone out there thinks.  We all at one point or another let someone else's thoughts impact our decisions.  In a world full of fashion, art, music, whatever your talent may be.  You feed off some sort of acceptance from an individual other than yourself.  I'll admit it.  I care what other people think.  I hate it.  I hate myself for even feeling that way, but it's the truth.  I'm actually afraid of people that see me everyday in this little town I reside in, that they'll ever see the other side of me.  To be even more honest, I'm afraid for them to know anything about me at all!  I've only ever wanted to be left alone.  With a simple "Hello", comes more responsibilities of more "hellos" and "goodbyes", and other mindless banter.  

Now the friend I mentioned above, make no mistake, they have fears, and are just like the rest of us.  Wanting to please someone.  I just envy their ability to speak the truth even if it means turning their whole world upside down.  Making themselves look like a monster.  I have this horrible need to speak the truth.  I give it.  If I don't want to speak it though, I just remain silent.  For instance, the videos I post on youtube.  They aren't horribly racy, but there is an air of sensuality to my alter ego "Raquelashakti".  I would die if my grandparents...sibling...or neighbor even saw them!  So as a result, they have no idea I even make videos.  I'm silent once again!  Which makes me feel spineless.  

"Dearest Raquelashakti, you can't live to please everyone, and yes, not even your family.  This is your hurdle, and you need to get over it." ~says the constant voice in my head. 

Do I tell them?  Is it really even that big of a deal?  

Naturally these thoughts string together ideas of a song, lyrics, decapitated heads, and floating balloons to me.  I pray for the day I'm given the opportunity to splash my imagination onto a piece of paper, and watch it come to life...without my internal fear of freaking my grandparents out, ha ha.

You didn't think I'd leave you without music, did you?  This band, called "The Books", was brought to my attention by a dear friend of mine who also has amazing taste in music.  Listen to it.

Guten Nacht.