Friday, July 27, 2012

Keeping myself on schedule and other random ramblings.

(Raquelashakti singing "Teen Idle" by Marina and the Diamonds)

Awesome thumbnail saved, huh?   A few posts ago I complained about my "lack of being photogenic".  It's pretty funny though.  

To my point though, as you can see above, I finally have this weeks video up on youtube!  I can't deny, that posting a video each week, and having it seem as if no one watches can be discouraging.  I'm refusing to give up though.  There's a part of me that just says "forget it".  I won't.  I've done that so much all my life, and if this is what I want to do with my life...I'm doing it.  I've also come to the realization that I will have to start letting the people that I know, or that live in the same area as me see that other "facet" of myself.  Other than just "that weird quiet girl".  It's scary though, know what I mean?  

If I lived far away and didn't have to deal with anyone, it'd be much simpler!  Why is it that i'm so much more comfortable showing this side of myself to complete strangers?  

So I know I've been on a big Marina and the Diamonds kick lately, but I was finally able to download her newest CD and I've been listening and dissecting each song.  Yes.  I really do dissect the music I listen to.  Call it a hobby.  Anyways, there's this song on there called "Fear and Loathing".  I listened to it, and that lightbulb goes off, saying, "dear God.  This is exactly how I've always felt".   I'M NOT ALONE.  You know how I always talk about the different "facets" of myself?  The different sides that I show?  Well to be honest there are times where I start to I schizophrenic???  I've worked many jobs, and when it's been brought up that I'm shy, people at my customer service jobs have been like, "I don't believe that!  You're so outgoing and friendly!"  I have literally been so afraid that two different people from two different places where I play "different people" will run into me at the same time...and that's it.  My cover's blown.  I'm not who they think I am.  Then it's just awkward.  So when in this song Marina says:

"Got different people inside my head
I wonder which one that they like best"

That is quite literally the same thing that goes off in my head.  It's just another part that I play in this place called "life" just to get through it.  So maybe I'm not crazy, not's just like what many other introverts go through, and the parts we try to play to blend in to society.  

That's not the only line in the song I relate to, she also goes on about how she lives life in bitterness, and fills her heart with emptiness.  I remember hating everything.  I remember vowing to never get married, have children, etc etc.  I just wanted to be alone.  I hated everything.   I was so bitter I cut family members out and refused to talk to them.  I didn't get close to anyone.  The little island called "Alone" on that map people refer to as a brain, was the only place I wanted to be.  

 Dear Introverts...even if we want to be alone, at least we know we're not.  Plenty more of us out there.  

Here's Marina's "Fear and Loathing" listen to the lyrics. 

Good night all!

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